Burgers, Chicken, Kitchen Witch

Kitchenwitchery 101: Burger Spells


It’s National Burger Day, so I figured we oughta discuss the burger. It’s a basic essential that every kitchenwitch needs in her repertoire. Any Prince Charming will respond favorably to a burger spell. Well, unless he’s a vegetarian, in which case, we might need to discuss the qualifications that determine an actual Prince Charming before we move onto actual spell work.

The true beauty of a burger spell is that it allows for unlimited creativity. You can whip this spell up with nothing more than ground beef, salt and pepper and nine times out of ten get your desired results. Or, you can tailor make this spell to your desired target. Whatever his favorite cuisine is, it can be turned into a bespoke burger that will guarantee you’ll be whipping up a speedy microwave omelet spell in the morning before y’all hustle off to work.

Burger spells fall into three categories: stuffed, mixed and topped. Of course, the ideal spell will often involve all three, cuz we are PhD level kitchenwitches and we know when to pull out all our skills.

A couple of years ago I got one of those burger stuffing contraptions and it really upped my craft by solving the problem of my stuffings seeping out because I overstuffed. It makes the perfect well size & my burgers have stayed stuffed ever since. My first attempts were rather pedestrian, but the stuffed pimiento cheese burger I served a crowd resulted in two inappropriate come-ons and a looooooong sleepless night with a frog prince, so I consider the spell a success.

Mixed burgers require no special contraptions, but do require strict attention be placed on what you mix into the meat as some additions will affect your ability to form patties that will hold together when cooking. At it’s most basic, the mixed burger spell can simply be adding another ground meat, such as sausage, to your beef. Getting more advanced, you can sauté up onions & jalapeños, let cool and mix into the meat. That particular spell earned me a third date with the Prince who turned out to be a cheapskate fly who I should’ve let a spider eat. Not the fault of the burger though, the spell was solid.

The last burger spell is toppings and while your basic lettuce-tomato-onion spell is a solid winner, why stop there? Prince Charming can get that at Wendy’s and who wants to lose a guy to that bottle ginger!? Cook up some mushrooms with cream cheese & Worcestershire sauce for a warm, creamy treat atop an otherwise boring Kitchenwitchery 101 burger.

I don’t really have a recipe to share because this spell is completely up to the caster. Also, I am horrible about writing down ingredients and measurements when casting. That being said, I will share the basics of one of my regularly successful burger spells, the buffalo chicken burger, a burger that encompasses all three spells. Bonus: it hits all the flavor notes of hot wings without leading to me looking like a two-year old barbarian whose mom forgot to put a bib on her.

For the meat mixture, I add finely diced celery and carrot to the ground chicken. I also add hotwing sauce, which makes the burgers loose, so I add a beaten egg & bread crumbs to firm up the meat mixture. Then I stuff the burgers with bleu cheese. Cook them up as usual, top with a bleu cheese slaw. Spread butter on the buns & brush on a little hotwing sauce before toasting.

Daaaaaaang, that spell just worked on me. I think I need to go take a moment with myself. Until next time, happy cooking and casting!

~kitchenwitch

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