Celiac, Celiac Disease, Egg Free, Gluten Free, Grain Free, Kitchen Bitch, Low Carb, Low Glycemic, Paleo, Recipes, Sides, Uncategorized

Garlic Pesto Goat Cheese Saute

Y’all. I’ve been doing a low carb diet (lifestyle… whatever) since January because to be blunt, my lady bits appreciate it most. With my insulin resistant PCOS, it’s just better all around for my health if I stick to a lower carb, diabetic friendly diet. As such, sometimes it’s difficult to get excited about foods and new recipes because, well, I love carbs. Red potatoes, french bread dripping with garlic butter, pasta with bolognese sauce… I want it all. Stupid lady bits.

But! Out of desperation today, I pulled together this saute and fell in love. I even made a terrible “it’s Friday, I’m in love” joke about it. This is how much I adore this saute. And since it’s chock full of vegetables in the form of cauliflower and artichoke hearts, it’s relatively healthy.

I randomly bought these artichoke hearts at Hy-Vee because the can label said, “small and tendar” and frankly, typos crack me up. It’s not often you can buy happiness for $1.32 per can, so I picked up four or five cans.


I started eating the artichoke hearts for snacks, but then I got sick of them, so I was still stuck with two cans. I also had a package of garlic herb goat cheese and a half-eaten jar of pesto that needed to be used before they go bad. Cue this saute. I’m not sure how you feel about goat cheese artichoke pizza, but it’s very reminiscent of that, so it was already delicious in theory in my book. But enough pontificating. Let’s get to the saute.
Ingredients:

  • 2 oz garlic herb goat cheese
  • 1 lb cauliflower heads
  • 1 can quartered artichoke hearts (14.10 oz)
  • 1/4 cup Basil Pesto
  • 2 tablespoons salted butter
  • Optional (all to taste):
    • Cayenne Pepper
    • Paprika
    • Flavor God Garlic Lovers
    • White Pepper
    • Salt

Directions:

  • Saute cauliflower heads in butter with seasonings of choice over medium heat until softened
  • Make well in the center of the pan and mix in pesto until cauliflower is coated
  • Make well in the center of the pan and melt down goat cheese, stirring until the cauliflower is coated
  • Drain artichoke hearts, make well in the center of the pan, and mix in
  • Continue cooking over medium heat for about five minutes or until the artichoke hearts are warmed through
  • Serve with protein of choice or enjoy a double portion for a vegetarian lunch!

That’s it! How simple is that and it was so delicious. I hope you love it as much I did.

xoxo,

Kitchen B.

Nutrition:

  • 202 calories
  • 14.2g fat
  • 587.5mg sodium
  • 11.2g carbs
  • 5.9g fiber
  • 3.7g sugar
  • 6.8g protein
  • Vitamin A: 13.2% of daily values
  • Vitamin C: 90.5% of daily values
  • Iron: 14.2% of daily values

 

 

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Beef, Gluten Free, Grain Free, Kitchen Bitch, Paleo, Pasta, Recipes, Uncategorized

I’m Back, Bishes! (And Bolognese Sauce)

 

This is about halfway through the cooking time, but you can already see how much the sauce has reduced on the side of the pot.

Okay, so it’s been about eight months since either of us has posted, but hey. That’s life, right? I’ve been waxing poetic about this Bolognese Sauce for weeks now and after the fifty millionth person asked for the recipe (and I pushed it on my stepmother), I decided to go ahead and just make a blog post about it. I’ve included two, count them, TWO of my secret ingredients that are included in nearly every savory dish I make. I doubt anyone would ever be able to pick them out, but they make the dish every single time. But more on that later. This dish will take you ALL DAY LONG to cook it (read: 6-7 hours including prep and cooking), but it’s worth it. Are you ready? Here we go.

Ingredients
  • 1/4 lb bacon, chopped OR 1/4 lb pancetta, chopped
  • 1 tablespoon butter
  • 1-2 red onions, chopped
  • 1 stalk celery, finely chopped
  • 1 carrot, grated
  • whole head garlic, minced
  • 6 oz tomato paste
  • 2 lb ground beef
  • 1 lb ground pork
  • 1 tablespoon oregano
  • 1 tablespoon basil
  • 1/2 tsp kosher salt
  • 1/2 tsp celery salt
  • 1 tsp white pepper
  • 1 tsp red pepper flakes
  • 1 tsp sage
  • 1 tsp marjoram
  • 1/2 tsp thyme
  • 1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
  • A few dashes fish sauce 
  • 1 cup dry white wine
  • 4 cups beef broth
  • 1-28oz can Italian crushed tomatoes
  • small pinch brown sugar
  • 1 cup whole milk OR 1/2 cup heavy cream
Directions
  • Heat large pot over medium-high heat until a drop of water sizzles on the bottom of the pan
  • Dump in chopped bacon and cook until crispy
  • Remove bacon and drain on paper towel
  • Turn heat down to medium-low and dump butter, carrot, onion, garlic, and celery into remaining bacon grease and saute until onion is caramelized. This should take about 20-30 minutes.
  • Make a well in the center of the pot and add seasonings and tomato paste, stir everything together
  • Make a well in the center of the pot and add ground beef and ground pork, cook until crumbled and browned
  • Dump bacon back into pot and raise heat to high
  • Make a well in the center of the pot and pour in wine, worcestershire sauce, fish sauce, and beef broth, scraping brown bits up from the bottom of the pot. Bring to boil for five minutes
  • Reduce to simmer, cook for 20 minutes, stirring occasionally
  • Add crushed tomatoes and sugar, bring to boil for two minutes
  • Partially cover and reduce to slow simmer, cooking for 4-5 hours, adding more beef broth as needed and stirring occasionally 
  • 1 hour before serving, stir in whole milk or heavy cream and salt and continue to simmer, stirring occasionally

Extra Add-Ins

  • Before serving, temper two large eggs with the sauce, then stir in to make the sauce silkier
  • Add a splash of balsamic vinegar or a squeeze of a half a lemon for extra flavor and acidity
 

Serve over pasta or zoodles with fresh grated Parmesan or romano. Also good used in lasagna or as a sauce for meatball subs.

 
This is NOT a low calorie recipe, but don’t skimp out on the fats. The extra calories are WORTH IT. 
 
The fish sauce is not optional. It and celery salt are my secret ingredients for pretty much any savory recipe. The fish sauce gives the recipe a depth of flavor and no one will ever know it’s in there unless you tell them. Super savory and gives it some umami. The celery salt? Well, if you’re cooking at home and after you do the taste test, something is still missing? 9 times out of 10, it’s celery salt. Promise. Would I lead you astray? Okay, so I probably would. But not on this. I don’t play play about celery salt. It’s important and delicious. 
xoxo,
Kitchen Bitch
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Aldi, Celiac, Celiac Disease, Egg Free, Gluten Free, Kitchen Bitch, liveGfree, Reviews

Gluten Free Reviews: liveGfree Chicken Roja Tamale Bites

After the high of the Macaroni & Cheese I got from Aldi’s liveGfree line, I went temporarily insane and bought approximately one billion of their products the last time I went grocery shopping. These Chicken Roja Tamale Bites were one of the casualties. Surprisingly, from all of the products I’ve gotten from this gluten free line, this is the only one so far that I’ve had any complaint with. I’m not sure if it’s a legitimate complaint, though – I think I had different expectations for what these were from what they actually turned out to be. I had a friend in Memphis who would make a massive batch of tamales every year with her mother and sisters. She would kindly bring me 10 tamales to work with her and they were always amazing. So my views are pretty skewed.

  
For what these were, they were pretty good. Imagine those crunchy corn nuggets you used to be served in your elementary school cafeteria. Now replace the gross corn with delicious slightly spicy shredded chicken filling and replace the batter with a masa harina batter. Sounds delicious, right? Well, they were. I think what threw me off (spitting in the face of my normally logical person) was I was weirdly expecting the steamed texture of tamales when the instructions call for baking the bites. Since they’re baked, they have that crunchy exterior I equate with corn nuggets. They did take longer to bake than the box called for – it suggested 15 minutes baking time and they were still doughy at that point. I lowered the temperature to 325* and baked them for 10-15 minutes longer and they were perfect.

  
Overall, these were okay, but not great. I probably won’t get them again, but someone else may really enjoy them.

xoxo,

Kitchen Bitch

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Egg Free, Gluten Free, Grain Free, Kitchen Witch, Uncategorized

Butter Yo Self

Not every spell I construct has a durned thing to do with my neck-tatted, Murican-flag manties-wearing Prince Charming. Some spells just come about because I’m bored, handler-LESS, tipsy and have things about to spoil on me. 

Enter, Monday.

I had some cream about to expire and less than zero interest in making cream of anything soup. What to do, what to do? Inspiration struck & project Butter Yo Self was born.

What amazed me was how easy it was to make butter. I’m no pioneer woman and there was nary a butter churn in sight. Know what was in sight? The world’s tiniest food processor. And thus began my champers-induced science project. 

I can’t even call this a recipe as it has one ingredient. Literally. Take whatever amount of cream has given up hope of being a part of cream of mushroom soup and pour it into your food processor. Run said food processor until the cream is recognizable as butter. Took me about 5 minutes. 

At the recognizably butter stage, some cheesecloth would be ideal to strain the butter from the buttermilk. Alas, I was bored, handlerLESS & tipsy and had no cheesecloth, nor means to obtain. I used a fine-mesh strainer & it worked well enough.

After mashing all the buttermilk out of the butter, the butter went back into the food processor with some ice-cold water. A quick 30-60 seconds in the cuisinart & all ya need to do is strain the liquid off (prayed to the cheesecloth fairy once again). 

What does this 10 minutes of effort yield ya? This:

 
I wasn’t sure what to do with the buttermilk, but remembered I had some orange roughie in the freezer. Pulled it down & made some buttermilk fried fish. 

I grabbed whatever spices I had around and marinated the fish for a couple hours. Of course, nothing in my kitchen is simple, so I discovered I had no breadcrumbs. Screeeeeeeeeeech!!

I am not one to let minor glitches get me down. Found a bag of cheese-garlic croutons & ground those babies down. Wise choice. Made for a flavorful and super-crunchy breading for the fish.

Then, I cooked and ate the catch of the day and took a well-deserved nap. Kitchcraft is hard work, y’all!!

   

Kisses & cocktails my little witchlets,

~eLLe (KW) 

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Aldi, Celiac, Celiac Disease, Egg Free, Gluten Free, Kitchen Bitch, liveGfree, Pasta, Reviews

Gluten Free Reviews: liveGfree Macaroni & Cheese

If you’re eating gluten free, you may have found that the substitutes for beloved favorites often fall short of the mark and that’s putting it kindly. Macaroni & Cheese was one of those foods that I’ve desperately tried to find a good substitute for and have experienced the gamut of disgusting from mealy to gloopy to sticking to your teeth to just plain gross. We recently started shopping at Aldi and discovered their plethora of gluten free alternatives in their liveGfree line. Everything I’ve had in that line has been amazing and surprisingly, often better quality or in taste than the “normal” gluten filled products.

Enough time has passed since my last gluten free Macaroni & Cheese fiasco that I felt brave enough to try out the liveGfree version and I was pleasantly surprised! It’s one of the microwaveable meals and I’d put it on par with comparable “normal” products (except Stouffer’s, because nothing can compare with my sharp, melty, delicious goddess of cheese and pasta). 

  
The sauce is cheesy and creamy without that familiar gloop texture that gluten free sauces often get. An 8 ounce serving size has 370 calories, 750mg sodium, 51g total carbohydrates, 2g fiber, and a whopping 9g protein. It clearly isn’t an everyday meal option, but it is definitely worth the calories and carbs for the flavor. There are some ugly words in the ingredients list, but I’m willing to overlook them since the pasta is so delicious and they’re actually at a minimum. The majority of the ingredients listed are wholly recognizable – corn pasta made with corn flour and water, cream, cheddar cheese, milk, salt, white wine, & dijon mustard. Hello!? That’s most of the ingredients you’d use if making homemade Macaroni & Cheese.

  
This one is definitely worth a look if you’re missing the cheesy, creamy amazingness of Macaroni & Cheese.

xoxo,

Kitchen Bitch

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Breakfast, Celiac, Dairy Free, Egg Free, Gluten Free, Grain Free, Low Glycemic, Snacks

Low Glycemic “Granola”

I don’t know about y’all, but in the summertime, I am not about some slaving over a hot ass stove to make myself some breakfast. Or lunch. Or dinner. Or supper. Or elevenses. Or snacks. Or second breakfast, even. (In case you were wondering, yes, I *am* a hobbit unicorn mermaid.) Since it’s gotten warmer, I’ve started mass cooking the meats & veggies for the entire week on one day on the grill and making things I won’t have to heat up later. Like this granola.

As we all know, I am a broken, broken Kitchen Bitch. One of my issues is that I have PCOS, which means that my body is naturally insulin resistant, which means I really need to lay off the fucking sugar. Another is that I have celiac disease, which means that I can’t have most grains or seasonings that seem to be in every-fucking-thing in the world. Combine these two and it could make for a boring diet of plain baked meats and steamed veggies. Cue… wait for it… me. I love flavor. I love spices. I absolutely cannot deal with bland foods. I’d rather drink cod oil. So I generally have to make my own foods that others can just buy at the store. This is where my “granola” comes in. It is awesome. Sweet, spicy, all natural, won’t shove your blood sugar through the roof goodness. I normally eat a half or quarter cup of it as a snack or eat it with milk as a “cereal.” Related, have you ever thought about cereal? It’s like a cold soup. For breakfast. Isn’t that weird? Anyhow. Make this “granola.” It’s amazeballs.

Low Glycemic “Granola”

Ingredients:

  • 1/4 lb organic chipped coconut
  • 1/2 lb. low glycemic snack mix
    • I bought both the chipped coconut and the low glycemic snack mix from the bulk section of HyVee, this awesome grocery store they have in the Midwest. No, they’re not paying me to say that. I just really like HyVee. But I’m always willing to be paid to say that. Because I just really like HyVee. I’m just saying. But I digress. This particular snack mix has dried apricots, dried apples, raw pistachios, walnuts, raw pecans, and cinnamon.
  • 1 tsp cinnamon
  • 1/4 tsp cayenne
  • 1 pinch celtic sea salt
  • 1/4 c coconut oil
  • 1/4 c maple syrup

Directions:

  • Pre-heat oven to 325*.
  • Line a lipped cookie sheet with parchment paper and pour low glycemic snack mix and chipped coconut into pan.
  • Mix with hands and spread evenly over bottom of the cookie sheet.
  • Melt down coconut oil on stove or in microwave and whisk in the cinnamon, cayenne, and sea salt.
  • Once that is all mixed thoroughly, whisk in the maple syrup and pour over ingredients in the pan.
  • Bake for 15-20 minutes or until coconut chips have begun browning, stirring occasionally.
  • Let cool and store in mason jar, in ziploc bags, or an airtight container for up to two months in the fridge. It can also be frozen.
Before baking... you'll notice I just left a large glob of coconut oil on top of everything to melt down in the oven. Do as I say, not as I do.  I kid. But really...

Before baking… you’ll notice I just left a large glob of coconut oil on top of everything to melt down in the oven. Do as I say, not as I do. I kid. But really…

That’s it! Hope you enjoy.

xoxo,

Kitchen Bitch

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21DSD, Celiac, Dairy Free, Egg Free, Gluten Free, Grain Free, Kitchen Bitch, Paleo, Recipes

Homemade Breakfast Sausage

So… I’ve been noticeably absent. I know because a friend was quick to point out that I personally haven’t written a post in nearly a month. A lot has contributed to that, but mainly because of my health. I found a lump under my right armpit and with my family history of cancer, felt it was worth a.) freaking out about it and b.) having checked out by a qualified medical professional.

Regardless, I’m bouncing back now – they believe it was just an inflamed lymph node and I was put on amoxicillin, but it grew three times as large as it was originally, so in turn, I was, in the words of my doctor, placed on “the strongest antibiotics available in pill form.” Two weeks later, the lump is almost back down to its original size and I have a followup appointment with a specialist. Yay for my crappy genetics.

But all of that is beside the point. You people come here for some motherfucking recipes and you’re gonna motherfucking get ’em.

I started making my own breakfast sausage when I started doing 21DSD because the regular sausage available in stores usually have a lot of fillers and sugar in them. Once I was diagnosed with celiac, I just kept right on making my own because I don’t like reading labels and wondering if I’m going to be glutened by something that quite frankly doesn’t need any flour in it, much less MSG or corn syrup. But enough politics. Moving on to the breakfast-y goodness.

Breakfast Sausage

Ingredients:

  • 1 lb. ground meat of your choice
    • I normally mix 1 lb. ground turkey and 1 lb. ground pork and double the recipe
  • 2 tsp. sage
  • 1 tsp. celtic or kosher sea salt
  • 1 tsp. thyme
  • 2 tsp. cayenne
  • 1 tsp. black pepper
  • 1 tsp. paprika
  • 1 tsp. worcestershire sauce, liquid aminos, or coconut aminos (for smokiness)
  • 2 garlic cloves, minced

That’s it!

Directions:

  1. Mix seasonings together in small bowl (Don’t dump on top of the meat willy nilly like I did – it doesn’t mix as well and you get pockets of oh, say, cayenne, then you cough a lot and drink three glasses of water. But I live dangerously, so…) 2015-04-21 16.19.41
  2. Dump meat into large mixing bowl
  3. Sprinkle seasonings over ground meat and mix thoroughly with hands. If you’re using ground turkey, be careful not to overmix or the end result will have a mealy texture that is completely off putting and gag-inducing. I know this from personal experience. Just don’t overmix ground turkey. Ever.
  4. Cook as normal in oven or on stove-top

This recipe should serve 8 two-ounce portions.

2014-12-29 16.10.46

Now isn’t that easy AF? And if you don’t like the proportions of ingredients, it’s very easy to adjust them. You’re on a low sodium diet? Lower the salt by half. Don’t like your breakfast sausage spicy? Don’t use the cayenne pepper. Too much sage? Reduce it by half. Sometimes I like to play around with the usual recipe and throw something completely unexpected in like cumin, cinnamon, or nutmeg. That’s the thing about making your own food. You can adjust it to your personal preferences. Enjoy!

xoxo,

Kitchen Bitch

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