Celiac, Celiac Disease, Egg Free, Gluten Free, Grain Free, Kitchen Bitch, Low Carb, Low Glycemic, Paleo, Recipes, Sides, Uncategorized

Garlic Pesto Goat Cheese Saute

Y’all. I’ve been doing a low carb diet (lifestyle… whatever) since January because to be blunt, my lady bits appreciate it most. With my insulin resistant PCOS, it’s just better all around for my health if I stick to a lower carb, diabetic friendly diet. As such, sometimes it’s difficult to get excited about foods and new recipes because, well, I love carbs. Red potatoes, french bread dripping with garlic butter, pasta with bolognese sauce… I want it all. Stupid lady bits.

But! Out of desperation today, I pulled together this saute and fell in love. I even made a terrible “it’s Friday, I’m in love” joke about it. This is how much I adore this saute. And since it’s chock full of vegetables in the form of cauliflower and artichoke hearts, it’s relatively healthy.

I randomly bought these artichoke hearts at Hy-Vee because the can label said, “small and tendar” and frankly, typos crack me up. It’s not often you can buy happiness for $1.32 per can, so I picked up four or five cans.


I started eating the artichoke hearts for snacks, but then I got sick of them, so I was still stuck with two cans. I also had a package of garlic herb goat cheese and a half-eaten jar of pesto that needed to be used before they go bad. Cue this saute. I’m not sure how you feel about goat cheese artichoke pizza, but it’s very reminiscent of that, so it was already delicious in theory in my book. But enough pontificating. Let’s get to the saute.
Ingredients:

  • 2 oz garlic herb goat cheese
  • 1 lb cauliflower heads
  • 1 can quartered artichoke hearts (14.10 oz)
  • 1/4 cup Basil Pesto
  • 2 tablespoons salted butter
  • Optional (all to taste):
    • Cayenne Pepper
    • Paprika
    • Flavor God Garlic Lovers
    • White Pepper
    • Salt

Directions:

  • Saute cauliflower heads in butter with seasonings of choice over medium heat until softened
  • Make well in the center of the pan and mix in pesto until cauliflower is coated
  • Make well in the center of the pan and melt down goat cheese, stirring until the cauliflower is coated
  • Drain artichoke hearts, make well in the center of the pan, and mix in
  • Continue cooking over medium heat for about five minutes or until the artichoke hearts are warmed through
  • Serve with protein of choice or enjoy a double portion for a vegetarian lunch!

That’s it! How simple is that and it was so delicious. I hope you love it as much I did.

xoxo,

Kitchen B.

Nutrition:

  • 202 calories
  • 14.2g fat
  • 587.5mg sodium
  • 11.2g carbs
  • 5.9g fiber
  • 3.7g sugar
  • 6.8g protein
  • Vitamin A: 13.2% of daily values
  • Vitamin C: 90.5% of daily values
  • Iron: 14.2% of daily values

 

 

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Beef, Gluten Free, Grain Free, Kitchen Bitch, Paleo, Pasta, Recipes, Uncategorized

I’m Back, Bishes! (And Bolognese Sauce)

 

This is about halfway through the cooking time, but you can already see how much the sauce has reduced on the side of the pot.

Okay, so it’s been about eight months since either of us has posted, but hey. That’s life, right? I’ve been waxing poetic about this Bolognese Sauce for weeks now and after the fifty millionth person asked for the recipe (and I pushed it on my stepmother), I decided to go ahead and just make a blog post about it. I’ve included two, count them, TWO of my secret ingredients that are included in nearly every savory dish I make. I doubt anyone would ever be able to pick them out, but they make the dish every single time. But more on that later. This dish will take you ALL DAY LONG to cook it (read: 6-7 hours including prep and cooking), but it’s worth it. Are you ready? Here we go.

Ingredients
  • 1/4 lb bacon, chopped OR 1/4 lb pancetta, chopped
  • 1 tablespoon butter
  • 1-2 red onions, chopped
  • 1 stalk celery, finely chopped
  • 1 carrot, grated
  • whole head garlic, minced
  • 6 oz tomato paste
  • 2 lb ground beef
  • 1 lb ground pork
  • 1 tablespoon oregano
  • 1 tablespoon basil
  • 1/2 tsp kosher salt
  • 1/2 tsp celery salt
  • 1 tsp white pepper
  • 1 tsp red pepper flakes
  • 1 tsp sage
  • 1 tsp marjoram
  • 1/2 tsp thyme
  • 1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
  • A few dashes fish sauce 
  • 1 cup dry white wine
  • 4 cups beef broth
  • 1-28oz can Italian crushed tomatoes
  • small pinch brown sugar
  • 1 cup whole milk OR 1/2 cup heavy cream
Directions
  • Heat large pot over medium-high heat until a drop of water sizzles on the bottom of the pan
  • Dump in chopped bacon and cook until crispy
  • Remove bacon and drain on paper towel
  • Turn heat down to medium-low and dump butter, carrot, onion, garlic, and celery into remaining bacon grease and saute until onion is caramelized. This should take about 20-30 minutes.
  • Make a well in the center of the pot and add seasonings and tomato paste, stir everything together
  • Make a well in the center of the pot and add ground beef and ground pork, cook until crumbled and browned
  • Dump bacon back into pot and raise heat to high
  • Make a well in the center of the pot and pour in wine, worcestershire sauce, fish sauce, and beef broth, scraping brown bits up from the bottom of the pot. Bring to boil for five minutes
  • Reduce to simmer, cook for 20 minutes, stirring occasionally
  • Add crushed tomatoes and sugar, bring to boil for two minutes
  • Partially cover and reduce to slow simmer, cooking for 4-5 hours, adding more beef broth as needed and stirring occasionally 
  • 1 hour before serving, stir in whole milk or heavy cream and salt and continue to simmer, stirring occasionally

Extra Add-Ins

  • Before serving, temper two large eggs with the sauce, then stir in to make the sauce silkier
  • Add a splash of balsamic vinegar or a squeeze of a half a lemon for extra flavor and acidity
 

Serve over pasta or zoodles with fresh grated Parmesan or romano. Also good used in lasagna or as a sauce for meatball subs.

 
This is NOT a low calorie recipe, but don’t skimp out on the fats. The extra calories are WORTH IT. 
 
The fish sauce is not optional. It and celery salt are my secret ingredients for pretty much any savory recipe. The fish sauce gives the recipe a depth of flavor and no one will ever know it’s in there unless you tell them. Super savory and gives it some umami. The celery salt? Well, if you’re cooking at home and after you do the taste test, something is still missing? 9 times out of 10, it’s celery salt. Promise. Would I lead you astray? Okay, so I probably would. But not on this. I don’t play play about celery salt. It’s important and delicious. 
xoxo,
Kitchen Bitch
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Egg Free, Gluten Free, Grain Free, Kitchen Witch, Uncategorized

Butter Yo Self

Not every spell I construct has a durned thing to do with my neck-tatted, Murican-flag manties-wearing Prince Charming. Some spells just come about because I’m bored, handler-LESS, tipsy and have things about to spoil on me. 

Enter, Monday.

I had some cream about to expire and less than zero interest in making cream of anything soup. What to do, what to do? Inspiration struck & project Butter Yo Self was born.

What amazed me was how easy it was to make butter. I’m no pioneer woman and there was nary a butter churn in sight. Know what was in sight? The world’s tiniest food processor. And thus began my champers-induced science project. 

I can’t even call this a recipe as it has one ingredient. Literally. Take whatever amount of cream has given up hope of being a part of cream of mushroom soup and pour it into your food processor. Run said food processor until the cream is recognizable as butter. Took me about 5 minutes. 

At the recognizably butter stage, some cheesecloth would be ideal to strain the butter from the buttermilk. Alas, I was bored, handlerLESS & tipsy and had no cheesecloth, nor means to obtain. I used a fine-mesh strainer & it worked well enough.

After mashing all the buttermilk out of the butter, the butter went back into the food processor with some ice-cold water. A quick 30-60 seconds in the cuisinart & all ya need to do is strain the liquid off (prayed to the cheesecloth fairy once again). 

What does this 10 minutes of effort yield ya? This:

 
I wasn’t sure what to do with the buttermilk, but remembered I had some orange roughie in the freezer. Pulled it down & made some buttermilk fried fish. 

I grabbed whatever spices I had around and marinated the fish for a couple hours. Of course, nothing in my kitchen is simple, so I discovered I had no breadcrumbs. Screeeeeeeeeeech!!

I am not one to let minor glitches get me down. Found a bag of cheese-garlic croutons & ground those babies down. Wise choice. Made for a flavorful and super-crunchy breading for the fish.

Then, I cooked and ate the catch of the day and took a well-deserved nap. Kitchcraft is hard work, y’all!!

   

Kisses & cocktails my little witchlets,

~eLLe (KW) 

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Breakfast, Celiac, Dairy Free, Egg Free, Gluten Free, Grain Free, Low Glycemic, Snacks

Low Glycemic “Granola”

I don’t know about y’all, but in the summertime, I am not about some slaving over a hot ass stove to make myself some breakfast. Or lunch. Or dinner. Or supper. Or elevenses. Or snacks. Or second breakfast, even. (In case you were wondering, yes, I *am* a hobbit unicorn mermaid.) Since it’s gotten warmer, I’ve started mass cooking the meats & veggies for the entire week on one day on the grill and making things I won’t have to heat up later. Like this granola.

As we all know, I am a broken, broken Kitchen Bitch. One of my issues is that I have PCOS, which means that my body is naturally insulin resistant, which means I really need to lay off the fucking sugar. Another is that I have celiac disease, which means that I can’t have most grains or seasonings that seem to be in every-fucking-thing in the world. Combine these two and it could make for a boring diet of plain baked meats and steamed veggies. Cue… wait for it… me. I love flavor. I love spices. I absolutely cannot deal with bland foods. I’d rather drink cod oil. So I generally have to make my own foods that others can just buy at the store. This is where my “granola” comes in. It is awesome. Sweet, spicy, all natural, won’t shove your blood sugar through the roof goodness. I normally eat a half or quarter cup of it as a snack or eat it with milk as a “cereal.” Related, have you ever thought about cereal? It’s like a cold soup. For breakfast. Isn’t that weird? Anyhow. Make this “granola.” It’s amazeballs.

Low Glycemic “Granola”

Ingredients:

  • 1/4 lb organic chipped coconut
  • 1/2 lb. low glycemic snack mix
    • I bought both the chipped coconut and the low glycemic snack mix from the bulk section of HyVee, this awesome grocery store they have in the Midwest. No, they’re not paying me to say that. I just really like HyVee. But I’m always willing to be paid to say that. Because I just really like HyVee. I’m just saying. But I digress. This particular snack mix has dried apricots, dried apples, raw pistachios, walnuts, raw pecans, and cinnamon.
  • 1 tsp cinnamon
  • 1/4 tsp cayenne
  • 1 pinch celtic sea salt
  • 1/4 c coconut oil
  • 1/4 c maple syrup

Directions:

  • Pre-heat oven to 325*.
  • Line a lipped cookie sheet with parchment paper and pour low glycemic snack mix and chipped coconut into pan.
  • Mix with hands and spread evenly over bottom of the cookie sheet.
  • Melt down coconut oil on stove or in microwave and whisk in the cinnamon, cayenne, and sea salt.
  • Once that is all mixed thoroughly, whisk in the maple syrup and pour over ingredients in the pan.
  • Bake for 15-20 minutes or until coconut chips have begun browning, stirring occasionally.
  • Let cool and store in mason jar, in ziploc bags, or an airtight container for up to two months in the fridge. It can also be frozen.
Before baking... you'll notice I just left a large glob of coconut oil on top of everything to melt down in the oven. Do as I say, not as I do.  I kid. But really...

Before baking… you’ll notice I just left a large glob of coconut oil on top of everything to melt down in the oven. Do as I say, not as I do. I kid. But really…

That’s it! Hope you enjoy.

xoxo,

Kitchen Bitch

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21DSD, Celiac, Dairy Free, Egg Free, Gluten Free, Grain Free, Kitchen Bitch, Paleo, Recipes

Homemade Breakfast Sausage

So… I’ve been noticeably absent. I know because a friend was quick to point out that I personally haven’t written a post in nearly a month. A lot has contributed to that, but mainly because of my health. I found a lump under my right armpit and with my family history of cancer, felt it was worth a.) freaking out about it and b.) having checked out by a qualified medical professional.

Regardless, I’m bouncing back now – they believe it was just an inflamed lymph node and I was put on amoxicillin, but it grew three times as large as it was originally, so in turn, I was, in the words of my doctor, placed on “the strongest antibiotics available in pill form.” Two weeks later, the lump is almost back down to its original size and I have a followup appointment with a specialist. Yay for my crappy genetics.

But all of that is beside the point. You people come here for some motherfucking recipes and you’re gonna motherfucking get ’em.

I started making my own breakfast sausage when I started doing 21DSD because the regular sausage available in stores usually have a lot of fillers and sugar in them. Once I was diagnosed with celiac, I just kept right on making my own because I don’t like reading labels and wondering if I’m going to be glutened by something that quite frankly doesn’t need any flour in it, much less MSG or corn syrup. But enough politics. Moving on to the breakfast-y goodness.

Breakfast Sausage

Ingredients:

  • 1 lb. ground meat of your choice
    • I normally mix 1 lb. ground turkey and 1 lb. ground pork and double the recipe
  • 2 tsp. sage
  • 1 tsp. celtic or kosher sea salt
  • 1 tsp. thyme
  • 2 tsp. cayenne
  • 1 tsp. black pepper
  • 1 tsp. paprika
  • 1 tsp. worcestershire sauce, liquid aminos, or coconut aminos (for smokiness)
  • 2 garlic cloves, minced

That’s it!

Directions:

  1. Mix seasonings together in small bowl (Don’t dump on top of the meat willy nilly like I did – it doesn’t mix as well and you get pockets of oh, say, cayenne, then you cough a lot and drink three glasses of water. But I live dangerously, so…) 2015-04-21 16.19.41
  2. Dump meat into large mixing bowl
  3. Sprinkle seasonings over ground meat and mix thoroughly with hands. If you’re using ground turkey, be careful not to overmix or the end result will have a mealy texture that is completely off putting and gag-inducing. I know this from personal experience. Just don’t overmix ground turkey. Ever.
  4. Cook as normal in oven or on stove-top

This recipe should serve 8 two-ounce portions.

2014-12-29 16.10.46

Now isn’t that easy AF? And if you don’t like the proportions of ingredients, it’s very easy to adjust them. You’re on a low sodium diet? Lower the salt by half. Don’t like your breakfast sausage spicy? Don’t use the cayenne pepper. Too much sage? Reduce it by half. Sometimes I like to play around with the usual recipe and throw something completely unexpected in like cumin, cinnamon, or nutmeg. That’s the thing about making your own food. You can adjust it to your personal preferences. Enjoy!

xoxo,

Kitchen Bitch

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21DSD, Celiac, Dairy Free, Egg Free, Gluten Free, Grain Free, Kitchen Bitch, Paleo, Recipes

Egg Roll Bowl

I thought I’d invented this recipe, but my terrible friend “Ted Bigsby” kindly pointed out that I am not a beautiful and unique snowflake and neither is this recipe. But that’s fine. It’s still delicious and Bigsby can eat a bag of balls.

Said bag of balls.

Said bag of balls.

I’ve been promising this recipe for maybe a month to a couple of people, so here it is!

Egg Roll Bowl

Ingredients:

  • 1 large cabbage, shredded or sliced into strips
  • 9 oz. julienned carrots ( I went the lazy route and just bought a bag of matchstick carrots)
  • 1 lb. ground pork
  • 1 head of celery, finely chopped (about 8 oz.)
  • 1/4 cup coconut aminos (or liquid aminos or soy sauce)
  • 2 tablespoons coconut aminos (or liquid aminos or soy sauce)
  • 2 teaspoons ginger
  • 2 cloves garlic, minced
  • 1 tablespoon fat of choice (I used bacon fat)
  • Optional
    • 1 tablespoon Sriracha
    • 1 tablespoon sesame oil
    • green onion, chopped, for garnish

Directions:

  1. Cook ground pork and 1/4 cup coconut aminos over medium-high heat, breaking up into crumbles until done. Remove from pan.
  2. In large pot, stir-fry sriracha, ginger, garlic, carrots, and celery in 1 tablespoon of fat and 2 tablespoons coconut aminos.
  3. Add ground pork and cabbage to carrot and celery mixture. Cook over medium-low heat until the cabbage is cooked down and caramelized. Remove from heat and serve.
  4. Optional: Once removed from heat, stir 1 tablespoon sesame oil into mixture, then serve with green onion garnish

This recipe should serve 8 regular or 4 large portions

Egg Roll Bowl

Enjoy!

xoxo,

Kitchen Bitch

P.S. – Grad School will be out for three weeks (SPRING BREAK, BABY!!!), so I’ll be taking a brief hiatus. We shall return April 24th with a guest post from Rachel Smith!

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21DSD, Amanda Thomas, Dairy Free, Egg Free, Gluten Free, Grain Free, Guest Post, Kitchen Bitch, Paleo, Recipes

March Guest Post: Tools for a Paleoish Life, and Paleo Ramen Noodles

Amanda is one of my friends from college. She originally introduced me to the 21 Day Sugar Detox and can generally be relied on as an ally in eating more healthfully and commiserating about eating more healthfully. She’s amazing and wonderful, generally hilarious, and you can find her on Twitter and Instagram. I’m planning to have a guest post at least once per month on the last Friday of each month and have a few lined up already. Enjoy!

xoxo,

Kitchen Bitch


Hi. I’m Amanda.

I’m one of those crazy paleo people. Except that I’m not. I’m more paleo-ish.

(What’s paleo? Long story short, I strive to eat mostly meat and vegetables. Why? Here’s a fun place to start.)

I believe in paleo – although I believe it needs a serious rebranding, as to most who practice, it’s much less about what cave people may or may not have done, and more about choosing the foods that are scientifically proven to be the most nourishing and least damaging to our bodies. However, I only eat paleo maybe 70% of the time (outside of strapping myself into a 21 Day Sugar Detox or Whole 30). Why? Because I love pizza and ice cream and not making it myself. I love wine and beer. I love eating in restaurants without asking an underpaid server sixteen questions to determine whether or not a sauce contains soy or gluten.

But at home, for the most part, I try to keep stuff healthy and real. If I’m going to go to the trouble to cook, I might as well make it the best I can for me (and for my kid, if she will eat the stuff). But, truth be told, if you ever decide to take on a real-food eating plan (paleo or otherwise), you’ll be spending more time in your kitchen than in your bedroom. Or that’s how it feels, anyway.

I like NOT being in the kitchen 24/7, so here are a few items I’ve found to be helpful to my paleo-ish operation.

My Netflix queue thanks these time-saving, sanity-saving items:

  • Spiralizer. These are all the rage now, and for damn good reason. Pasta? Schmasta. Give me zoodles any day and keep your slimy wheat strings. And give them to me FAST.
  • Green bags. Keep your fresh veggies fresh longer. Because who wants to go grocery shopping every other day? (YES, these really work. Just ask the week-old cabbage in my fridge RIGHT NOW.) Yeah, they cost more than Ziploc, but you can wash them and reuse them. I turn them inside out and wear them like gloves, then wash my hands. Okay, okay. Sometimes, I just stick another vegetable in one without washing it at all. (It’s all going the same place!)
  • A deep freezer. (Not linking you to one, because I imagine you’re familiar.) I bought a small one with dreams of going in on a butchered grass-fed cow from a local farmer. That hasn’t happened yet, but I HAVE managed to fill it up with leftovers, bone broth, old chicken bones to make MORE bone broth, and meat that was on sale. So, yay? (I WILL get my cow someday.)
  • A food processor. (I have this el cheapo one and it’s still my favorite ever.) This is seriously a must-have. There are just too many foods that are completely delicious when pulverized WAY finer than a knife can get. Like the recipe I’m going to give you at the end of this post, for instance.
  • Slow cookers are good, too. I don’t think I have to explain this one.
  • Parchment paper. I generally don’t use cooking spray due to soy and other additives, so it’s up to parchment paper to save my cookie sheets!

So what’s something good to eat? It’s hard to pick, because paleo food is GOOD, but here’s a recipe I recently fell in love with. I can’t take credit for it, as I found this recipe from The Fitchen and basically paleo-ized it. (I may have also swapped some ingredients – like sesame seeds for chia seeds – solely just to match what I had in my cabinet.) I’m calling my version Paleo Ramen Noodles, because that’s exactly what it smells like while it’s cooking! Ahhh… takes you me right back to my college dorm room, minus the “freshman fifteen”.  And I honestly think it TASTES a little like Oriental-style Ramen, too. But this is MUCH better for you! Even if you make the non-paleoized original version!

Paleo Ramen Noodles

  • Half a head of green cabbage
  • 2 or 3 carrots
  • Half a bag of broccoli slaw*
  • ¼ cup coconut aminos
  • ¼ cup coconut oil, melted
  • 2 tablespoons chia seeds**
  • 2 teaspoons ginger powder
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 1 teaspoon black pepper

Preheat your oven to 400.

Pulverize your cabbage and carrots in your food processor. Not all at once…unless your food processor is much bigger than mine.

Mix the shredded cabbage and carrots in a big bowl with the broccoli slaw.

Melt your coconut oil in a small bowl. Whisk in the coconut aminos, chia seeds, ginger, salt, and pepper. Pour this stuff in there with the cabbage-carrot-slaw stuff. Toss it so it’s all nice and coated.

Spread it all out on a baking sheet. (Don’t forget to throw down a piece of parchment paper first!) Just try to get it in an even layer. Stick it in your 400-degree oven and find some way to occupy yourself for about 20 minutes.

1a

Note: My oven is not your oven. You should probably start checking at around the 10-minute mark. The stuff is done whenever a little bit of the cabbage starts to look a bit burnt. What? I never said I was a chef.  I’m sure it’s good grilled too, as the original creator intended. I’ll have to try it someday. I’m not a big griller, though.

*You may notice the original recipe uses all cabbage and no broccoli slaw. It’s great that way too! I experimented with the broccoli slaw once and thought it turned out nice, though. So here it is in the recipe.

** Sesame seeds would probably be better than chia seeds here. I just didn’t want to go buy any. I like it just fine with my chia seeds, though. And they’re supposedly a superfood!

This stuff’s good with just about anything. The other night for dinner, I crumbled up a leftover hamburger patty into a bowl of this stuff and sprinkled some more coconut aminos on it. Yum!

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