Celiac, Celiac Disease, Egg Free, Gluten Free, Grain Free, Kitchen Bitch, Low Carb, Low Glycemic, Paleo, Recipes, Sides, Uncategorized

Garlic Pesto Goat Cheese Saute

Y’all. I’ve been doing a low carb diet (lifestyle… whatever) since January because to be blunt, my lady bits appreciate it most. With my insulin resistant PCOS, it’s just better all around for my health if I stick to a lower carb, diabetic friendly diet. As such, sometimes it’s difficult to get excited about foods and new recipes because, well, I love carbs. Red potatoes, french bread dripping with garlic butter, pasta with bolognese sauce… I want it all. Stupid lady bits.

But! Out of desperation today, I pulled together this saute and fell in love. I even made a terrible “it’s Friday, I’m in love” joke about it. This is how much I adore this saute. And since it’s chock full of vegetables in the form of cauliflower and artichoke hearts, it’s relatively healthy.

I randomly bought these artichoke hearts at Hy-Vee because the can label said, “small and tendar” and frankly, typos crack me up. It’s not often you can buy happiness for $1.32 per can, so I picked up four or five cans.

I started eating the artichoke hearts for snacks, but then I got sick of them, so I was still stuck with two cans. I also had a package of garlic herb goat cheese and a half-eaten jar of pesto that needed to be used before they go bad. Cue this saute. I’m not sure how you feel about goat cheese artichoke pizza, but it’s very reminiscent of that, so it was already delicious in theory in my book. But enough pontificating. Let’s get to the saute.

  • 2 oz garlic herb goat cheese
  • 1 lb cauliflower heads
  • 1 can quartered artichoke hearts (14.10 oz)
  • 1/4 cup Basil Pesto
  • 2 tablespoons salted butter
  • Optional (all to taste):
    • Cayenne Pepper
    • Paprika
    • Flavor God Garlic Lovers
    • White Pepper
    • Salt


  • Saute cauliflower heads in butter with seasonings of choice over medium heat until softened
  • Make well in the center of the pan and mix in pesto until cauliflower is coated
  • Make well in the center of the pan and melt down goat cheese, stirring until the cauliflower is coated
  • Drain artichoke hearts, make well in the center of the pan, and mix in
  • Continue cooking over medium heat for about five minutes or until the artichoke hearts are warmed through
  • Serve with protein of choice or enjoy a double portion for a vegetarian lunch!

That’s it! How simple is that and it was so delicious. I hope you love it as much I did.


Kitchen B.


  • 202 calories
  • 14.2g fat
  • 587.5mg sodium
  • 11.2g carbs
  • 5.9g fiber
  • 3.7g sugar
  • 6.8g protein
  • Vitamin A: 13.2% of daily values
  • Vitamin C: 90.5% of daily values
  • Iron: 14.2% of daily values



Beef, Gluten Free, Grain Free, Kitchen Bitch, Paleo, Pasta, Recipes, Uncategorized

I’m Back, Bishes! (And Bolognese Sauce)


This is about halfway through the cooking time, but you can already see how much the sauce has reduced on the side of the pot.

Okay, so it’s been about eight months since either of us has posted, but hey. That’s life, right? I’ve been waxing poetic about this Bolognese Sauce for weeks now and after the fifty millionth person asked for the recipe (and I pushed it on my stepmother), I decided to go ahead and just make a blog post about it. I’ve included two, count them, TWO of my secret ingredients that are included in nearly every savory dish I make. I doubt anyone would ever be able to pick them out, but they make the dish every single time. But more on that later. This dish will take you ALL DAY LONG to cook it (read: 6-7 hours including prep and cooking), but it’s worth it. Are you ready? Here we go.

  • 1/4 lb bacon, chopped OR 1/4 lb pancetta, chopped
  • 1 tablespoon butter
  • 1-2 red onions, chopped
  • 1 stalk celery, finely chopped
  • 1 carrot, grated
  • whole head garlic, minced
  • 6 oz tomato paste
  • 2 lb ground beef
  • 1 lb ground pork
  • 1 tablespoon oregano
  • 1 tablespoon basil
  • 1/2 tsp kosher salt
  • 1/2 tsp celery salt
  • 1 tsp white pepper
  • 1 tsp red pepper flakes
  • 1 tsp sage
  • 1 tsp marjoram
  • 1/2 tsp thyme
  • 1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
  • A few dashes fish sauce 
  • 1 cup dry white wine
  • 4 cups beef broth
  • 1-28oz can Italian crushed tomatoes
  • small pinch brown sugar
  • 1 cup whole milk OR 1/2 cup heavy cream
  • Heat large pot over medium-high heat until a drop of water sizzles on the bottom of the pan
  • Dump in chopped bacon and cook until crispy
  • Remove bacon and drain on paper towel
  • Turn heat down to medium-low and dump butter, carrot, onion, garlic, and celery into remaining bacon grease and saute until onion is caramelized. This should take about 20-30 minutes.
  • Make a well in the center of the pot and add seasonings and tomato paste, stir everything together
  • Make a well in the center of the pot and add ground beef and ground pork, cook until crumbled and browned
  • Dump bacon back into pot and raise heat to high
  • Make a well in the center of the pot and pour in wine, worcestershire sauce, fish sauce, and beef broth, scraping brown bits up from the bottom of the pot. Bring to boil for five minutes
  • Reduce to simmer, cook for 20 minutes, stirring occasionally
  • Add crushed tomatoes and sugar, bring to boil for two minutes
  • Partially cover and reduce to slow simmer, cooking for 4-5 hours, adding more beef broth as needed and stirring occasionally 
  • 1 hour before serving, stir in whole milk or heavy cream and salt and continue to simmer, stirring occasionally

Extra Add-Ins

  • Before serving, temper two large eggs with the sauce, then stir in to make the sauce silkier
  • Add a splash of balsamic vinegar or a squeeze of a half a lemon for extra flavor and acidity

Serve over pasta or zoodles with fresh grated Parmesan or romano. Also good used in lasagna or as a sauce for meatball subs.

This is NOT a low calorie recipe, but don’t skimp out on the fats. The extra calories are WORTH IT. 
The fish sauce is not optional. It and celery salt are my secret ingredients for pretty much any savory recipe. The fish sauce gives the recipe a depth of flavor and no one will ever know it’s in there unless you tell them. Super savory and gives it some umami. The celery salt? Well, if you’re cooking at home and after you do the taste test, something is still missing? 9 times out of 10, it’s celery salt. Promise. Would I lead you astray? Okay, so I probably would. But not on this. I don’t play play about celery salt. It’s important and delicious. 
Kitchen Bitch

Gluten Free Review: Bubbies Sauerkraut

If you’ve never heard of Bubbies Sauerkraut, fear not. I will tell you about my new favorite thing to eat with just about every meal I eat these days. I’m sure you’ve heard of sauerkraut and you may love it. Or… you may hate it and think it’s mushy and overpowering. This is where Bubbies comes in.

Best part of taking this picture? I had to eat the sauerkraut afterward because it needs to be refrigerated.

My father’s side of the family is German and my dad loved sauerkraut, so we had it often growing up. I enjoyed it, but after trying this brand? Holy cow. It’s amazing. It’s naturally fermented and cured in salt water brine using a lacto-fermentation process. Because of this process, their products contain live cultures and the enzymes that form from a natural fermentation.

Long story short, live cultures = happy guts.

There’s tons of websites out there with info about live cultures, how they aid digestion, improve lactose intolerance, enhance your immunity, and improve nutrient bioavailability (the ease of which a nutrient or vitamin is absorbed into your system), for B vitamins, calcium, iron, zinc, copper, magnesium and phosphorus, among others. That’s just a taste of the rabbit hole you could fall into with live cultures.

But back to Bubbies. Even without all the health benefits, this. shit. is. bomb. It’s crunchy and has a surprisingly light taste, with only 5 calories per serving. I’ve eaten it with everything from pastrami sandwiches to roasted chicken and sweet potatoes. To top it all off, cabbage is a cruciferous vegetable and we all know how good those are for you. I mean, if Sheldon thinks they’ll make him live forever, surely we can all chow down on some sauerkraut now and then. Thursdays are Cruciferous Vegetable Night. Make it happen.

Egg Free, Gluten Free, Grain Free, Kitchen Witch, Uncategorized

Butter Yo Self

Not every spell I construct has a durned thing to do with my neck-tatted, Murican-flag manties-wearing Prince Charming. Some spells just come about because I’m bored, handler-LESS, tipsy and have things about to spoil on me. 

Enter, Monday.

I had some cream about to expire and less than zero interest in making cream of anything soup. What to do, what to do? Inspiration struck & project Butter Yo Self was born.

What amazed me was how easy it was to make butter. I’m no pioneer woman and there was nary a butter churn in sight. Know what was in sight? The world’s tiniest food processor. And thus began my champers-induced science project. 

I can’t even call this a recipe as it has one ingredient. Literally. Take whatever amount of cream has given up hope of being a part of cream of mushroom soup and pour it into your food processor. Run said food processor until the cream is recognizable as butter. Took me about 5 minutes. 

At the recognizably butter stage, some cheesecloth would be ideal to strain the butter from the buttermilk. Alas, I was bored, handlerLESS & tipsy and had no cheesecloth, nor means to obtain. I used a fine-mesh strainer & it worked well enough.

After mashing all the buttermilk out of the butter, the butter went back into the food processor with some ice-cold water. A quick 30-60 seconds in the cuisinart & all ya need to do is strain the liquid off (prayed to the cheesecloth fairy once again). 

What does this 10 minutes of effort yield ya? This:

I wasn’t sure what to do with the buttermilk, but remembered I had some orange roughie in the freezer. Pulled it down & made some buttermilk fried fish. 

I grabbed whatever spices I had around and marinated the fish for a couple hours. Of course, nothing in my kitchen is simple, so I discovered I had no breadcrumbs. Screeeeeeeeeeech!!

I am not one to let minor glitches get me down. Found a bag of cheese-garlic croutons & ground those babies down. Wise choice. Made for a flavorful and super-crunchy breading for the fish.

Then, I cooked and ate the catch of the day and took a well-deserved nap. Kitchcraft is hard work, y’all!!


Kisses & cocktails my little witchlets,

~eLLe (KW) 


Hot Onion Dip and the Appearance of the Kitchen Witch

Okay, haven’t been doing much ‪Kitchen Witch stuff lately. Apologies. Only thing I’ve made lately is the rudimentary hot onion dip we’ve all eaten a thousand times. Here’s the “recipe” as it were –


  • 8oz cream cheese (softened)
  • 1 cup mayo
  • 1 cup Parmesan cheese
  • 1 cup onion (finely chopped)


  • Mix and cook at 350* for 45 minutes or until bubbly & browning on top.
  • Serve with crackers or crusty bread.

The nice thing about this dip is that it lends itself to variation. Replace the onions with an equal amount of anything of your choice.

Next time I make it, I’m gonna add roasted garlic, pour half the dip in the dish, layer thick cut tomatoes, and cover with the remaining dip. Gonna top with basil leaves & bake as usual.

Lemme know how you play with this dip. And make it dirty, lovies!!!

Kisses and Cocktails,

~Kitchen Witch~


Meal Plan Monday: 03.30.15 – 04.05.15

I’m out of grad school for three glorious weeks, so I’m looking forward to actually sitting down to a meal at the table with my husband without having to quickly choke down whatever is in front of me and then run upstairs to read another article or write papers until my fingers bleed. (Not literally… that would be terrible.) Point is, I’m going to be a little more extravagant this week in my meal planning due to my time off from academia. I’m also going to be trying out a few gluten free packaged meals since I discovered our town has an Aldi’s. True story: I’ve driven past this Aldi’s going on five years now and never realized it was there. I even argued with my husband about it for a week until he google mapped it for me using the satellite image function. I picked up some grass-fed ground beef and a few packaged gluten free meals when we went to Aldi.


  • Two Ingredient Pancakes
    • I’ve been seeing this all over Pinterest, it’s gluten free and supposedly foolproof, so I’m going to try it out. Spoilers: I can cook pretty much anything you ask of me except pancakes and french toast, so we’ll see how this works out. I’m not expecting good things.
  • Buffalo Chicken Egg Muffins from the 21 DSD Guidebook
  • Omelettes with green onion and goat cheese with homemade breakfast sausage
  • Leftovers from dinner the night before


  • Chicken Salad in lettuce cups
  • BLT rollups
    • Essentially some low sodium bacon and sliced tomato rolled up in a lettuce leaf with mayo and a little mustard
  • Lemon Garlic Seafood Pasta made with the Mei Fun noodles I bought a few weeks ago
    • Probably going to finish up the last of the cod I bought along with some shrimp and scallops
  • Leftovers from dinner the night before


  • Green tipped bananas
  • Carrots & hummus
  • A serving of pepperoni or a couple slices of deli meat


  • Monday
    • Baked BBQ Chicken, Jo Jo Potatoes, & a Side Salad
  • Tuesday
    • Taco Casserole
      • Terribly low brow rice casserole we all know and love – I’ll be using brown rice instead of white and black beans instead of refried beans to boost the nutrition
  • Wednesday
    • Mustard Glazed Chicken from the 21 DSD Guidebook with Brussels Sprouts
  • Thursday
    • Turkey Burgers & Bacon Red Potato Salad
  • Friday
    • Zoodles and Meatballs
  • Saturday
    • Pepperoni Pizza (Udi’s uncured pepperoni pizzas)
  • Sunday
    • Lunch at the in-laws for Easter (They’re grilling steaks & I’m bringing a few gluten free sides so I won’t just be eating steak.)

Grocery List:

  • Orange Juice
  • Salami
  • Pepperoni
  • Applegate smoked turkey slices
  • Fish Sauce
  • Bananas
  • Green Onion
    • I will be so thankful when I can finally just grow this in my container garden again
  • Eggs
  • Goat Cheese
  • Ground Turkey
  • Coffee Creamer
  • Pickles
  • Bacon
  • Hummus
  • Carrots
  • Scharr’s Hamburger Buns
  • Udi’s Pizza
  • Zucchini
  • Bell Pepper
  • Red Potatoes
  • Sour Cream
  • Milk
  • Bottle of red wine

Late additions due to sales:

  • Avocados ($0.59 each at Aldi)

Impulse buys:

  • Grass-fed ground beef at Aldi
  • Bottle of Dr. Pepper

I’m still struggling with what sides to make for Easter, so I’ll probably be making another grocery trip at some point this week.


Kitchen Bitch


Meal Plan Monday: 03.02.15 – 03.08.15

Bonus post for you loverly bitches. I’ve had multiple people ask me for my meal plans and grocery lists, so I’m going to try to do this weekly for them and whoever else will find it helpful. We were scheduled to have a huge snow shitstorm Saturday, so we went grocery shopping a day early (We normally go on Sundays. It’s like our church. We try to get done before actual churches let out for the afternoon.) I try to stock up when our local grocery stores have sales and it seemed like everything was on sale. With that in addition to the fact that I needed to restock some pantry items, our freezer, refrigerator, and pantry are all incredibly stuffed to the gills right now and the grocery bill was an exorbitant amount. I picked up some oxtails to add to the bone broth; I’d heard they’re very good to add some gelatin to the broth. I doubt I’ll purchase them again unless they just fabulously astound me with their amazingness and rainbows shoot out of their tiny bony bits. They were so. fucking. expensive – $12.10 for a small package. So… they better amaze me with their amazingness and be completely amazing. AMAZING.


  • Eggs, bacon
    • I’ll probably make some scrambles and omelettes through the week – throw in some kale, sweet potatoes, chopped onions, green onions, cheese, & zucchini at one point or another
  • Oatmeal with strawberries, blueberries, cream, and honey
  • Yogurt with strawberries and blueberries
  • Leftovers from dinner the night before
    • Just this morning for breakfast, I had leftover brown rice with a leftover broiled pork chop chopped up and mixed in with some Chinese brown sauce. You’ll never convince me dinner for breakfast or breakfast for dinner is a bad idea.


  • Deli meat rollups with olives and a massaged kale salad
  • Broiled shrimp and cauli-mash
  • Poached cod and broccoli
  • Brown rice with homemade Chinese brown sauce and leftover broccoli
  • Leftovers from dinner the night before


  • Green apples with nut butter (a leftover good habit from 21DSD)
  • Yogurt with strawberries and blueberries
  • 1/2 cup rainbow sherbet (we’ve all got our vices – mine is rainbow sherbet and wine)
  • Dill pickle
  • A serving of pepperoni or a couple slices of deli meat
  • A serving of raw almonds
  • A serving of cheddar Nut Thins or BBQ rice crackers


  • Monday
    • We’ll be having dinner out. Chuck has started attending a writer’s group every other week in the Quad Cities an hour away from where we live and it meets this week. He leaves directly after work in order to pick me up and make it to the writing group on time. This leaves very little time to eat dinner at home since we get back very late from this trip. I’ve taken the opportunity to meet up with old work friends at a sushi bar two doors down from the coffee house the writer’s group meets at. Everybody wins. Well… as long as I remember to bring my own soy sauce. Otherwise, I’ll be miserable for the next week.
  • Tuesday
    • Mozzarella stuffed pork meatballs with zoodles and tomato basil sauce
  • Wednesday
  • Thursday
    • Slow roasted chicken breast & sweet potatoes
  • Friday
    • Chicken, Sweet Potato, & Kale Soup made from the slow roasted chicken and sweet potatoes the night before. Here’s where that awesome bone broth I was talking about earlier comes in for the week.
  • Saturday
    • Steak, baked potato, & bacon wrapped asparagus
  • Sunday
    • Leftovers – we’ll clean out the fridge of all the leftovers to make room for the next week’s load. I’m hoping since we stocked up so much this week and the freezer is full, we’ll be able to have a significantly smaller grocery bill next week.

Grocery List:

  • Green beans (2 frozen bags)
  • Sherbet
  • Asparagus (2 frozen bags)
  • Strawberries (3 frozen bags)
  • Blueberries (1 gigantic frozen bag)
  • Shrimp (2 bags)
  • Cod (1 lb frozen bag)
  • Bell pepper
  • Green onions
  • Zucchini (3)
  • Sweet potatoes (9)
  • Kale
  • White onion (2)
  • Baking potatoes (2)
  • Green apples
  • Peaches
  • Ginger
  • Brown rice
  • Baking soda (restocking fridge & freezer, bathroom, & pantry – we were COMPLETELY out)
  • Water (10 gallon jugs – our tap water tastes like sulfur and coats everything in this weird white and green calcium looking gunk that’s hard to get off the faucets, so I try not to drink it or use in our cooking. It’s a far cry from Memphis’ tap water.)
  • Nut butter
  • Pickles
  • Pepperoni
  • Parmesan
  • Black pepper
  • Celtic sea salt
  • Nut Thins (box of cheddar for me & a box of pepperjack for Chuck)
  • Ground pork (ended up getting 3 packs, as they were on sale for $2/lb)
  • Chicken breasts (I always get the big packs and separate them to freeze the extra)
  • Steak (2 ribeyes)
  • Eggs
  • Orange juice (2 gallon jugs of not-from-concentrate)
  • Pearl mozzarella
  • Milk (whole)
  • Amish butter (2 lb. roll)
  • Cream
  • Yogurt (2 containers)
  • Bottle of red wine (I try to replace them as I drink them, so I’ll have a bottle on hand)

Late additions due to sales:

  • Smoked turkey deli meat (Applegate brand; normally $4.98 per pack, on sale for $3 per pack)
  • Beef marrow bones (normally $5 per pack, on sale for $3.95 per pack)
  • Pepperjack cheese slices
  • Extra ground pork (mentioned before)
  • Ribeye pork chops (normally around $3.50 per lb., on sale for $2.48 per pound; I bought 75 oz. worth)

Impulse buys:

  • Oxtails
  • Udi’s gluten free uncured pepperoni pizza (Normally $8.99 at HyVee, found them for $5.76 at WM)
  • Cream cheese (I’m planning on making I Breathe I’m Hungry’s Cream Cheese Pancakes)
  • Coffee beans (My stepmom sent me a coffee grinder, so I’m anxious to try it out)
  • Applegate salami (This was a Chuck impulse buy – he really likes Applegate’s salami. He says it tastes “natural and clean.” Personally, I prefer the italian brand we get at HyVee, but to each his own…)
  • Ocean Spray Ruby Red Grapefruit Juice (Another Chuck impulse buy)
  • Tart Cherry Juice (Another Chuck impulse buy)
  • Apple wedger (I’ve been looking for one of these for years and randomly found one at WM in the freezer aisle of all places)
  • Gluten free bread crumbs (Randomly found this one looking for the baking soda in the baking aisle. Thought I’d give them a whirl in the mozzarella stuffed meatballs.)
  • Gluten free refrigerated chocolate chip cookie dough (Found this one trying to find the normal price at HyVee for Udi’s pizza. We tried it out Saturday night and Chuck loved them – couldn’t tell a difference between those and “normal” refrigerated cookie dough. I thought they were too sweet, but that may just be a leftover effect from 21DSD.)

All in all, we spent $329.62. It’s a LOT of money. Way more than we’re accustomed to spending, but we got a ton of meat on sale and had a lot of impulse buys, so I’d say it all evens out and is understandable. Welp. That’s all I’ve got, kids. As if that wasn’t enough for you. Keep it clean, y’all.


Kitchen Bitch