Burgers, Chicken, Kitchen Witch

Kitchenwitchery 101: Burger Spells


It’s National Burger Day, so I figured we oughta discuss the burger. It’s a basic essential that every kitchenwitch needs in her repertoire. Any Prince Charming will respond favorably to a burger spell. Well, unless he’s a vegetarian, in which case, we might need to discuss the qualifications that determine an actual Prince Charming before we move onto actual spell work.

The true beauty of a burger spell is that it allows for unlimited creativity. You can whip this spell up with nothing more than ground beef, salt and pepper and nine times out of ten get your desired results. Or, you can tailor make this spell to your desired target. Whatever his favorite cuisine is, it can be turned into a bespoke burger that will guarantee you’ll be whipping up a speedy microwave omelet spell in the morning before y’all hustle off to work.

Burger spells fall into three categories: stuffed, mixed and topped. Of course, the ideal spell will often involve all three, cuz we are PhD level kitchenwitches and we know when to pull out all our skills.

A couple of years ago I got one of those burger stuffing contraptions and it really upped my craft by solving the problem of my stuffings seeping out because I overstuffed. It makes the perfect well size & my burgers have stayed stuffed ever since. My first attempts were rather pedestrian, but the stuffed pimiento cheese burger I served a crowd resulted in two inappropriate come-ons and a looooooong sleepless night with a frog prince, so I consider the spell a success.

Mixed burgers require no special contraptions, but do require strict attention be placed on what you mix into the meat as some additions will affect your ability to form patties that will hold together when cooking. At it’s most basic, the mixed burger spell can simply be adding another ground meat, such as sausage, to your beef. Getting more advanced, you can sauté up onions & jalapeños, let cool and mix into the meat. That particular spell earned me a third date with the Prince who turned out to be a cheapskate fly who I should’ve let a spider eat. Not the fault of the burger though, the spell was solid.

The last burger spell is toppings and while your basic lettuce-tomato-onion spell is a solid winner, why stop there? Prince Charming can get that at Wendy’s and who wants to lose a guy to that bottle ginger!? Cook up some mushrooms with cream cheese & Worcestershire sauce for a warm, creamy treat atop an otherwise boring Kitchenwitchery 101 burger.

I don’t really have a recipe to share because this spell is completely up to the caster. Also, I am horrible about writing down ingredients and measurements when casting. That being said, I will share the basics of one of my regularly successful burger spells, the buffalo chicken burger, a burger that encompasses all three spells. Bonus: it hits all the flavor notes of hot wings without leading to me looking like a two-year old barbarian whose mom forgot to put a bib on her.

For the meat mixture, I add finely diced celery and carrot to the ground chicken. I also add hotwing sauce, which makes the burgers loose, so I add a beaten egg & bread crumbs to firm up the meat mixture. Then I stuff the burgers with bleu cheese. Cook them up as usual, top with a bleu cheese slaw. Spread butter on the buns & brush on a little hotwing sauce before toasting.

Daaaaaaang, that spell just worked on me. I think I need to go take a moment with myself. Until next time, happy cooking and casting!

~kitchenwitch

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21DSD, Celiac, Dairy Free, Egg Free, Gluten Free, Grain Free, Kitchen Bitch, Paleo, Recipes

Homemade Breakfast Sausage

So… I’ve been noticeably absent. I know because a friend was quick to point out that I personally haven’t written a post in nearly a month. A lot has contributed to that, but mainly because of my health. I found a lump under my right armpit and with my family history of cancer, felt it was worth a.) freaking out about it and b.) having checked out by a qualified medical professional.

Regardless, I’m bouncing back now – they believe it was just an inflamed lymph node and I was put on amoxicillin, but it grew three times as large as it was originally, so in turn, I was, in the words of my doctor, placed on “the strongest antibiotics available in pill form.” Two weeks later, the lump is almost back down to its original size and I have a followup appointment with a specialist. Yay for my crappy genetics.

But all of that is beside the point. You people come here for some motherfucking recipes and you’re gonna motherfucking get ’em.

I started making my own breakfast sausage when I started doing 21DSD because the regular sausage available in stores usually have a lot of fillers and sugar in them. Once I was diagnosed with celiac, I just kept right on making my own because I don’t like reading labels and wondering if I’m going to be glutened by something that quite frankly doesn’t need any flour in it, much less MSG or corn syrup. But enough politics. Moving on to the breakfast-y goodness.

Breakfast Sausage

Ingredients:

  • 1 lb. ground meat of your choice
    • I normally mix 1 lb. ground turkey and 1 lb. ground pork and double the recipe
  • 2 tsp. sage
  • 1 tsp. celtic or kosher sea salt
  • 1 tsp. thyme
  • 2 tsp. cayenne
  • 1 tsp. black pepper
  • 1 tsp. paprika
  • 1 tsp. worcestershire sauce, liquid aminos, or coconut aminos (for smokiness)
  • 2 garlic cloves, minced

That’s it!

Directions:

  1. Mix seasonings together in small bowl (Don’t dump on top of the meat willy nilly like I did – it doesn’t mix as well and you get pockets of oh, say, cayenne, then you cough a lot and drink three glasses of water. But I live dangerously, so…) 2015-04-21 16.19.41
  2. Dump meat into large mixing bowl
  3. Sprinkle seasonings over ground meat and mix thoroughly with hands. If you’re using ground turkey, be careful not to overmix or the end result will have a mealy texture that is completely off putting and gag-inducing. I know this from personal experience. Just don’t overmix ground turkey. Ever.
  4. Cook as normal in oven or on stove-top

This recipe should serve 8 two-ounce portions.

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Now isn’t that easy AF? And if you don’t like the proportions of ingredients, it’s very easy to adjust them. You’re on a low sodium diet? Lower the salt by half. Don’t like your breakfast sausage spicy? Don’t use the cayenne pepper. Too much sage? Reduce it by half. Sometimes I like to play around with the usual recipe and throw something completely unexpected in like cumin, cinnamon, or nutmeg. That’s the thing about making your own food. You can adjust it to your personal preferences. Enjoy!

xoxo,

Kitchen Bitch

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Hot Onion Dip and the Appearance of the Kitchen Witch

Okay, haven’t been doing much ‪Kitchen Witch stuff lately. Apologies. Only thing I’ve made lately is the rudimentary hot onion dip we’ve all eaten a thousand times. Here’s the “recipe” as it were –

Ingredients:

  • 8oz cream cheese (softened)
  • 1 cup mayo
  • 1 cup Parmesan cheese
  • 1 cup onion (finely chopped)

Directions:

  • Mix and cook at 350* for 45 minutes or until bubbly & browning on top.
  • Serve with crackers or crusty bread.

The nice thing about this dip is that it lends itself to variation. Replace the onions with an equal amount of anything of your choice.

Next time I make it, I’m gonna add roasted garlic, pour half the dip in the dish, layer thick cut tomatoes, and cover with the remaining dip. Gonna top with basil leaves & bake as usual.

Lemme know how you play with this dip. And make it dirty, lovies!!!

Kisses and Cocktails,

~Kitchen Witch~

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21DSD, Celiac, Dairy Free, Egg Free, Gluten Free, Grain Free, Kitchen Bitch, Paleo, Recipes

Egg Roll Bowl

I thought I’d invented this recipe, but my terrible friend “Ted Bigsby” kindly pointed out that I am not a beautiful and unique snowflake and neither is this recipe. But that’s fine. It’s still delicious and Bigsby can eat a bag of balls.

Said bag of balls.

Said bag of balls.

I’ve been promising this recipe for maybe a month to a couple of people, so here it is!

Egg Roll Bowl

Ingredients:

  • 1 large cabbage, shredded or sliced into strips
  • 9 oz. julienned carrots ( I went the lazy route and just bought a bag of matchstick carrots)
  • 1 lb. ground pork
  • 1 head of celery, finely chopped (about 8 oz.)
  • 1/4 cup coconut aminos (or liquid aminos or soy sauce)
  • 2 tablespoons coconut aminos (or liquid aminos or soy sauce)
  • 2 teaspoons ginger
  • 2 cloves garlic, minced
  • 1 tablespoon fat of choice (I used bacon fat)
  • Optional
    • 1 tablespoon Sriracha
    • 1 tablespoon sesame oil
    • green onion, chopped, for garnish

Directions:

  1. Cook ground pork and 1/4 cup coconut aminos over medium-high heat, breaking up into crumbles until done. Remove from pan.
  2. In large pot, stir-fry sriracha, ginger, garlic, carrots, and celery in 1 tablespoon of fat and 2 tablespoons coconut aminos.
  3. Add ground pork and cabbage to carrot and celery mixture. Cook over medium-low heat until the cabbage is cooked down and caramelized. Remove from heat and serve.
  4. Optional: Once removed from heat, stir 1 tablespoon sesame oil into mixture, then serve with green onion garnish

This recipe should serve 8 regular or 4 large portions

Egg Roll Bowl

Enjoy!

xoxo,

Kitchen Bitch

P.S. – Grad School will be out for three weeks (SPRING BREAK, BABY!!!), so I’ll be taking a brief hiatus. We shall return April 24th with a guest post from Rachel Smith!

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Meal Plan Monday: 03.30.15 – 04.05.15

I’m out of grad school for three glorious weeks, so I’m looking forward to actually sitting down to a meal at the table with my husband without having to quickly choke down whatever is in front of me and then run upstairs to read another article or write papers until my fingers bleed. (Not literally… that would be terrible.) Point is, I’m going to be a little more extravagant this week in my meal planning due to my time off from academia. I’m also going to be trying out a few gluten free packaged meals since I discovered our town has an Aldi’s. True story: I’ve driven past this Aldi’s going on five years now and never realized it was there. I even argued with my husband about it for a week until he google mapped it for me using the satellite image function. I picked up some grass-fed ground beef and a few packaged gluten free meals when we went to Aldi.

Breakfasts:

  • Two Ingredient Pancakes
    • I’ve been seeing this all over Pinterest, it’s gluten free and supposedly foolproof, so I’m going to try it out. Spoilers: I can cook pretty much anything you ask of me except pancakes and french toast, so we’ll see how this works out. I’m not expecting good things.
  • Buffalo Chicken Egg Muffins from the 21 DSD Guidebook
  • Omelettes with green onion and goat cheese with homemade breakfast sausage
  • Leftovers from dinner the night before

Lunches:

  • Chicken Salad in lettuce cups
  • BLT rollups
    • Essentially some low sodium bacon and sliced tomato rolled up in a lettuce leaf with mayo and a little mustard
  • Lemon Garlic Seafood Pasta made with the Mei Fun noodles I bought a few weeks ago
    • Probably going to finish up the last of the cod I bought along with some shrimp and scallops
  • Leftovers from dinner the night before

Snacks:

  • Green tipped bananas
  • Carrots & hummus
  • A serving of pepperoni or a couple slices of deli meat

Dinner:

  • Monday
    • Baked BBQ Chicken, Jo Jo Potatoes, & a Side Salad
  • Tuesday
    • Taco Casserole
      • Terribly low brow rice casserole we all know and love – I’ll be using brown rice instead of white and black beans instead of refried beans to boost the nutrition
  • Wednesday
    • Mustard Glazed Chicken from the 21 DSD Guidebook with Brussels Sprouts
  • Thursday
    • Turkey Burgers & Bacon Red Potato Salad
  • Friday
    • Zoodles and Meatballs
  • Saturday
    • Pepperoni Pizza (Udi’s uncured pepperoni pizzas)
  • Sunday
    • Lunch at the in-laws for Easter (They’re grilling steaks & I’m bringing a few gluten free sides so I won’t just be eating steak.)

Grocery List:

  • Orange Juice
  • Salami
  • Pepperoni
  • Applegate smoked turkey slices
  • Fish Sauce
  • Bananas
  • Green Onion
    • I will be so thankful when I can finally just grow this in my container garden again
  • Eggs
  • Goat Cheese
  • Ground Turkey
  • Coffee Creamer
  • Pickles
  • Bacon
  • Hummus
  • Carrots
  • Scharr’s Hamburger Buns
  • Udi’s Pizza
  • Zucchini
  • Bell Pepper
  • Red Potatoes
  • Sour Cream
  • Milk
  • Bottle of red wine

Late additions due to sales:

  • Avocados ($0.59 each at Aldi)

Impulse buys:

  • Grass-fed ground beef at Aldi
  • Bottle of Dr. Pepper

I’m still struggling with what sides to make for Easter, so I’ll probably be making another grocery trip at some point this week.

xoxo,

Kitchen Bitch

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21DSD, Amanda Thomas, Dairy Free, Egg Free, Gluten Free, Grain Free, Guest Post, Kitchen Bitch, Paleo, Recipes

March Guest Post: Tools for a Paleoish Life, and Paleo Ramen Noodles

Amanda is one of my friends from college. She originally introduced me to the 21 Day Sugar Detox and can generally be relied on as an ally in eating more healthfully and commiserating about eating more healthfully. She’s amazing and wonderful, generally hilarious, and you can find her on Twitter and Instagram. I’m planning to have a guest post at least once per month on the last Friday of each month and have a few lined up already. Enjoy!

xoxo,

Kitchen Bitch


Hi. I’m Amanda.

I’m one of those crazy paleo people. Except that I’m not. I’m more paleo-ish.

(What’s paleo? Long story short, I strive to eat mostly meat and vegetables. Why? Here’s a fun place to start.)

I believe in paleo – although I believe it needs a serious rebranding, as to most who practice, it’s much less about what cave people may or may not have done, and more about choosing the foods that are scientifically proven to be the most nourishing and least damaging to our bodies. However, I only eat paleo maybe 70% of the time (outside of strapping myself into a 21 Day Sugar Detox or Whole 30). Why? Because I love pizza and ice cream and not making it myself. I love wine and beer. I love eating in restaurants without asking an underpaid server sixteen questions to determine whether or not a sauce contains soy or gluten.

But at home, for the most part, I try to keep stuff healthy and real. If I’m going to go to the trouble to cook, I might as well make it the best I can for me (and for my kid, if she will eat the stuff). But, truth be told, if you ever decide to take on a real-food eating plan (paleo or otherwise), you’ll be spending more time in your kitchen than in your bedroom. Or that’s how it feels, anyway.

I like NOT being in the kitchen 24/7, so here are a few items I’ve found to be helpful to my paleo-ish operation.

My Netflix queue thanks these time-saving, sanity-saving items:

  • Spiralizer. These are all the rage now, and for damn good reason. Pasta? Schmasta. Give me zoodles any day and keep your slimy wheat strings. And give them to me FAST.
  • Green bags. Keep your fresh veggies fresh longer. Because who wants to go grocery shopping every other day? (YES, these really work. Just ask the week-old cabbage in my fridge RIGHT NOW.) Yeah, they cost more than Ziploc, but you can wash them and reuse them. I turn them inside out and wear them like gloves, then wash my hands. Okay, okay. Sometimes, I just stick another vegetable in one without washing it at all. (It’s all going the same place!)
  • A deep freezer. (Not linking you to one, because I imagine you’re familiar.) I bought a small one with dreams of going in on a butchered grass-fed cow from a local farmer. That hasn’t happened yet, but I HAVE managed to fill it up with leftovers, bone broth, old chicken bones to make MORE bone broth, and meat that was on sale. So, yay? (I WILL get my cow someday.)
  • A food processor. (I have this el cheapo one and it’s still my favorite ever.) This is seriously a must-have. There are just too many foods that are completely delicious when pulverized WAY finer than a knife can get. Like the recipe I’m going to give you at the end of this post, for instance.
  • Slow cookers are good, too. I don’t think I have to explain this one.
  • Parchment paper. I generally don’t use cooking spray due to soy and other additives, so it’s up to parchment paper to save my cookie sheets!

So what’s something good to eat? It’s hard to pick, because paleo food is GOOD, but here’s a recipe I recently fell in love with. I can’t take credit for it, as I found this recipe from The Fitchen and basically paleo-ized it. (I may have also swapped some ingredients – like sesame seeds for chia seeds – solely just to match what I had in my cabinet.) I’m calling my version Paleo Ramen Noodles, because that’s exactly what it smells like while it’s cooking! Ahhh… takes you me right back to my college dorm room, minus the “freshman fifteen”.  And I honestly think it TASTES a little like Oriental-style Ramen, too. But this is MUCH better for you! Even if you make the non-paleoized original version!

Paleo Ramen Noodles

  • Half a head of green cabbage
  • 2 or 3 carrots
  • Half a bag of broccoli slaw*
  • ¼ cup coconut aminos
  • ¼ cup coconut oil, melted
  • 2 tablespoons chia seeds**
  • 2 teaspoons ginger powder
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 1 teaspoon black pepper

Preheat your oven to 400.

Pulverize your cabbage and carrots in your food processor. Not all at once…unless your food processor is much bigger than mine.

Mix the shredded cabbage and carrots in a big bowl with the broccoli slaw.

Melt your coconut oil in a small bowl. Whisk in the coconut aminos, chia seeds, ginger, salt, and pepper. Pour this stuff in there with the cabbage-carrot-slaw stuff. Toss it so it’s all nice and coated.

Spread it all out on a baking sheet. (Don’t forget to throw down a piece of parchment paper first!) Just try to get it in an even layer. Stick it in your 400-degree oven and find some way to occupy yourself for about 20 minutes.

1a

Note: My oven is not your oven. You should probably start checking at around the 10-minute mark. The stuff is done whenever a little bit of the cabbage starts to look a bit burnt. What? I never said I was a chef.  I’m sure it’s good grilled too, as the original creator intended. I’ll have to try it someday. I’m not a big griller, though.

*You may notice the original recipe uses all cabbage and no broccoli slaw. It’s great that way too! I experimented with the broccoli slaw once and thought it turned out nice, though. So here it is in the recipe.

** Sesame seeds would probably be better than chia seeds here. I just didn’t want to go buy any. I like it just fine with my chia seeds, though. And they’re supposedly a superfood!

This stuff’s good with just about anything. The other night for dinner, I crumbled up a leftover hamburger patty into a bowl of this stuff and sprinkled some more coconut aminos on it. Yum!

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21DSD, Dairy Free, Egg Free, Gluten Free, Grain Free, Kitchen Bitch, Paleo, Recipes

Spicy Chicken Stuffed Sweet Potatoes & Creamy Sriracha Sauce

I was HANGRY yesterday afternoon due to having been on the phone with the fucking IRS 

Thank you, Squints. If you haven’t seen this movie, I just feel bad for you, son. So back to my hangry afternoon… The IRS apparently just likes to fuck with me and make me sit on hold for 8 hours only for them to hang up on me, so then I have to go through all their stupid prompts to sit on hold for another 8 hours. Needless to say, I’ve been on hold with the IRS the past week. I randomly got through at 2:14 p.m. yesterday afternoon, and celebrated by actually eating before dinner for once with these stuffed sweet potatoes.

Now, I know what you’re thinking… “Kitchen Bitch, really? Chicken and sweet potatoes?” But hear me out – sweet potatoes are amazing with spicy stuff. Even my naysaying “I hate all vegetables” husband scarfed down one of these and ate another one for lunch the next day, asking me when I was going to make them again. Trust in the process. I know what I’m talking about. So try these out if you’re looking for a delicious, mother fucking easy weeknight (or afternoon) meal.

Spicy Chicken Stuffed Sweet Potatoes

Ingredients:

  • 1 can rotel with green chiles ( This does have calcium chloride in it, but I was in a hurry. If you want to make your own rotel, there are plenty of recipes out there. Here’s one from The Kitchn.)
  • 4 medium to large sweet potatoes
  • 2 chicken breasts
  • 2 tablespoons fat of your choice (I used bacon fat)
  • 1 tablespoon fat of your choice
  • 1 onion, finely chopped
  • 1 green bell pepper, finely chopped
  • 1/4 cup green onions, finely chopped
  • 2 garlic cloves, minced
  • 1 tsp. coconut aminos (or liquid aminos or soy sauce or worcestershire sauce)
  • 1.5 tablespoons Flavor God Everything Spicy seasoning
    • OR:
      • 1 tsp cumin
      • 1 tsp chili powder
      • 1 tsp cayenne
      • 1 tsp garlic powder
      • 1/2 tsp paprika
      • 1/4 tsp black pepper
      • 1/4 tsp salt

Directions:

  1. Preheat oven to 350.
  2. In cast iron or oven safe pan, melt down 2 tbsp. fat of choice and saute vegetables (minus green onion) with seasonings until the onions are translucent over medium high heat.
  3. Remove vegetables, turn down heat to medium, add chicken breasts. Brown on each side, then remove from pan.
  4. In pan, melt down remaining tbsp. of fat of choice and place 4 sweet potatoes in bottom of pan. Place chicken breasts on top of sweet potatoes and place in the oven, covered. Cook for 45-60 minutes or until sweet potatoes are soft through.
  5. Remove pan from oven, then remove chicken to a medium bowl. Replace cover on pan over sweet potatoes.
  6. Using two forks, shred chicken, then pour in can of rotel, sauteed vegetables, and green onions. Mix well.
  7. Serve as is over sweet potatoes, or top with cheese, sour cream, creamy sriracha sauce, or all three.

This recipe should serve 4.

Creamy Sriracha Sauce

Ingredients:

  • 3 tablespoons mayonnaise
  • 1 tablespoon sriracha
  • 1 tsp Flavor God Garlic Lover’s seasoning OR 1 tsp garlic salt

Directions:

  1. Mix all ingredients well
  2. Spoon over stuffed sweet potatoes

I chose to sqwunch all the ingredients for the Creamy Sriracha Sauce inside a ziploc bag, then snip a corner off to squeeze it over my stuffed sweet potato. Chuck chose to top his stuffed sweet potatoes with a metric fuck ton of sharp cheddar cheese and sour cream. Either way is good, but the sauce adds a creaminess factor that compliments the smooth texture of the baked sweet potatoes. This recipe could easily be adapted to be vegetarian or vegan by taking out the chicken (duh), adding more veggies like zucchini, and adding a good protein like black beans.

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Enjoy!

xoxo,

Kitchen Bitch

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