Beef, Gluten Free, Grain Free, Kitchen Bitch, Paleo, Pasta, Recipes, Uncategorized

I’m Back, Bishes! (And Bolognese Sauce)

 

This is about halfway through the cooking time, but you can already see how much the sauce has reduced on the side of the pot.

Okay, so it’s been about eight months since either of us has posted, but hey. That’s life, right? I’ve been waxing poetic about this Bolognese Sauce for weeks now and after the fifty millionth person asked for the recipe (and I pushed it on my stepmother), I decided to go ahead and just make a blog post about it. I’ve included two, count them, TWO of my secret ingredients that are included in nearly every savory dish I make. I doubt anyone would ever be able to pick them out, but they make the dish every single time. But more on that later. This dish will take you ALL DAY LONG to cook it (read: 6-7 hours including prep and cooking), but it’s worth it. Are you ready? Here we go.

Ingredients
  • 1/4 lb bacon, chopped OR 1/4 lb pancetta, chopped
  • 1 tablespoon butter
  • 1-2 red onions, chopped
  • 1 stalk celery, finely chopped
  • 1 carrot, grated
  • whole head garlic, minced
  • 6 oz tomato paste
  • 2 lb ground beef
  • 1 lb ground pork
  • 1 tablespoon oregano
  • 1 tablespoon basil
  • 1/2 tsp kosher salt
  • 1/2 tsp celery salt
  • 1 tsp white pepper
  • 1 tsp red pepper flakes
  • 1 tsp sage
  • 1 tsp marjoram
  • 1/2 tsp thyme
  • 1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
  • A few dashes fish sauce 
  • 1 cup dry white wine
  • 4 cups beef broth
  • 1-28oz can Italian crushed tomatoes
  • small pinch brown sugar
  • 1 cup whole milk OR 1/2 cup heavy cream
Directions
  • Heat large pot over medium-high heat until a drop of water sizzles on the bottom of the pan
  • Dump in chopped bacon and cook until crispy
  • Remove bacon and drain on paper towel
  • Turn heat down to medium-low and dump butter, carrot, onion, garlic, and celery into remaining bacon grease and saute until onion is caramelized. This should take about 20-30 minutes.
  • Make a well in the center of the pot and add seasonings and tomato paste, stir everything together
  • Make a well in the center of the pot and add ground beef and ground pork, cook until crumbled and browned
  • Dump bacon back into pot and raise heat to high
  • Make a well in the center of the pot and pour in wine, worcestershire sauce, fish sauce, and beef broth, scraping brown bits up from the bottom of the pot. Bring to boil for five minutes
  • Reduce to simmer, cook for 20 minutes, stirring occasionally
  • Add crushed tomatoes and sugar, bring to boil for two minutes
  • Partially cover and reduce to slow simmer, cooking for 4-5 hours, adding more beef broth as needed and stirring occasionally 
  • 1 hour before serving, stir in whole milk or heavy cream and salt and continue to simmer, stirring occasionally

Extra Add-Ins

  • Before serving, temper two large eggs with the sauce, then stir in to make the sauce silkier
  • Add a splash of balsamic vinegar or a squeeze of a half a lemon for extra flavor and acidity
 

Serve over pasta or zoodles with fresh grated Parmesan or romano. Also good used in lasagna or as a sauce for meatball subs.

 
This is NOT a low calorie recipe, but don’t skimp out on the fats. The extra calories are WORTH IT. 
 
The fish sauce is not optional. It and celery salt are my secret ingredients for pretty much any savory recipe. The fish sauce gives the recipe a depth of flavor and no one will ever know it’s in there unless you tell them. Super savory and gives it some umami. The celery salt? Well, if you’re cooking at home and after you do the taste test, something is still missing? 9 times out of 10, it’s celery salt. Promise. Would I lead you astray? Okay, so I probably would. But not on this. I don’t play play about celery salt. It’s important and delicious. 
xoxo,
Kitchen Bitch
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21DSD, Celiac, Dairy Free, Egg Free, Gluten Free, Grain Free, Kitchen Bitch, Paleo, Recipes

Homemade Breakfast Sausage

So… I’ve been noticeably absent. I know because a friend was quick to point out that I personally haven’t written a post in nearly a month. A lot has contributed to that, but mainly because of my health. I found a lump under my right armpit and with my family history of cancer, felt it was worth a.) freaking out about it and b.) having checked out by a qualified medical professional.

Regardless, I’m bouncing back now – they believe it was just an inflamed lymph node and I was put on amoxicillin, but it grew three times as large as it was originally, so in turn, I was, in the words of my doctor, placed on “the strongest antibiotics available in pill form.” Two weeks later, the lump is almost back down to its original size and I have a followup appointment with a specialist. Yay for my crappy genetics.

But all of that is beside the point. You people come here for some motherfucking recipes and you’re gonna motherfucking get ’em.

I started making my own breakfast sausage when I started doing 21DSD because the regular sausage available in stores usually have a lot of fillers and sugar in them. Once I was diagnosed with celiac, I just kept right on making my own because I don’t like reading labels and wondering if I’m going to be glutened by something that quite frankly doesn’t need any flour in it, much less MSG or corn syrup. But enough politics. Moving on to the breakfast-y goodness.

Breakfast Sausage

Ingredients:

  • 1 lb. ground meat of your choice
    • I normally mix 1 lb. ground turkey and 1 lb. ground pork and double the recipe
  • 2 tsp. sage
  • 1 tsp. celtic or kosher sea salt
  • 1 tsp. thyme
  • 2 tsp. cayenne
  • 1 tsp. black pepper
  • 1 tsp. paprika
  • 1 tsp. worcestershire sauce, liquid aminos, or coconut aminos (for smokiness)
  • 2 garlic cloves, minced

That’s it!

Directions:

  1. Mix seasonings together in small bowl (Don’t dump on top of the meat willy nilly like I did – it doesn’t mix as well and you get pockets of oh, say, cayenne, then you cough a lot and drink three glasses of water. But I live dangerously, so…) 2015-04-21 16.19.41
  2. Dump meat into large mixing bowl
  3. Sprinkle seasonings over ground meat and mix thoroughly with hands. If you’re using ground turkey, be careful not to overmix or the end result will have a mealy texture that is completely off putting and gag-inducing. I know this from personal experience. Just don’t overmix ground turkey. Ever.
  4. Cook as normal in oven or on stove-top

This recipe should serve 8 two-ounce portions.

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Now isn’t that easy AF? And if you don’t like the proportions of ingredients, it’s very easy to adjust them. You’re on a low sodium diet? Lower the salt by half. Don’t like your breakfast sausage spicy? Don’t use the cayenne pepper. Too much sage? Reduce it by half. Sometimes I like to play around with the usual recipe and throw something completely unexpected in like cumin, cinnamon, or nutmeg. That’s the thing about making your own food. You can adjust it to your personal preferences. Enjoy!

xoxo,

Kitchen Bitch

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21DSD, Celiac, Dairy Free, Egg Free, Gluten Free, Grain Free, Kitchen Bitch, Paleo, Recipes

Egg Roll Bowl

I thought I’d invented this recipe, but my terrible friend “Ted Bigsby” kindly pointed out that I am not a beautiful and unique snowflake and neither is this recipe. But that’s fine. It’s still delicious and Bigsby can eat a bag of balls.

Said bag of balls.

Said bag of balls.

I’ve been promising this recipe for maybe a month to a couple of people, so here it is!

Egg Roll Bowl

Ingredients:

  • 1 large cabbage, shredded or sliced into strips
  • 9 oz. julienned carrots ( I went the lazy route and just bought a bag of matchstick carrots)
  • 1 lb. ground pork
  • 1 head of celery, finely chopped (about 8 oz.)
  • 1/4 cup coconut aminos (or liquid aminos or soy sauce)
  • 2 tablespoons coconut aminos (or liquid aminos or soy sauce)
  • 2 teaspoons ginger
  • 2 cloves garlic, minced
  • 1 tablespoon fat of choice (I used bacon fat)
  • Optional
    • 1 tablespoon Sriracha
    • 1 tablespoon sesame oil
    • green onion, chopped, for garnish

Directions:

  1. Cook ground pork and 1/4 cup coconut aminos over medium-high heat, breaking up into crumbles until done. Remove from pan.
  2. In large pot, stir-fry sriracha, ginger, garlic, carrots, and celery in 1 tablespoon of fat and 2 tablespoons coconut aminos.
  3. Add ground pork and cabbage to carrot and celery mixture. Cook over medium-low heat until the cabbage is cooked down and caramelized. Remove from heat and serve.
  4. Optional: Once removed from heat, stir 1 tablespoon sesame oil into mixture, then serve with green onion garnish

This recipe should serve 8 regular or 4 large portions

Egg Roll Bowl

Enjoy!

xoxo,

Kitchen Bitch

P.S. – Grad School will be out for three weeks (SPRING BREAK, BABY!!!), so I’ll be taking a brief hiatus. We shall return April 24th with a guest post from Rachel Smith!

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21DSD, Amanda Thomas, Dairy Free, Egg Free, Gluten Free, Grain Free, Guest Post, Kitchen Bitch, Paleo, Recipes

March Guest Post: Tools for a Paleoish Life, and Paleo Ramen Noodles

Amanda is one of my friends from college. She originally introduced me to the 21 Day Sugar Detox and can generally be relied on as an ally in eating more healthfully and commiserating about eating more healthfully. She’s amazing and wonderful, generally hilarious, and you can find her on Twitter and Instagram. I’m planning to have a guest post at least once per month on the last Friday of each month and have a few lined up already. Enjoy!

xoxo,

Kitchen Bitch


Hi. I’m Amanda.

I’m one of those crazy paleo people. Except that I’m not. I’m more paleo-ish.

(What’s paleo? Long story short, I strive to eat mostly meat and vegetables. Why? Here’s a fun place to start.)

I believe in paleo – although I believe it needs a serious rebranding, as to most who practice, it’s much less about what cave people may or may not have done, and more about choosing the foods that are scientifically proven to be the most nourishing and least damaging to our bodies. However, I only eat paleo maybe 70% of the time (outside of strapping myself into a 21 Day Sugar Detox or Whole 30). Why? Because I love pizza and ice cream and not making it myself. I love wine and beer. I love eating in restaurants without asking an underpaid server sixteen questions to determine whether or not a sauce contains soy or gluten.

But at home, for the most part, I try to keep stuff healthy and real. If I’m going to go to the trouble to cook, I might as well make it the best I can for me (and for my kid, if she will eat the stuff). But, truth be told, if you ever decide to take on a real-food eating plan (paleo or otherwise), you’ll be spending more time in your kitchen than in your bedroom. Or that’s how it feels, anyway.

I like NOT being in the kitchen 24/7, so here are a few items I’ve found to be helpful to my paleo-ish operation.

My Netflix queue thanks these time-saving, sanity-saving items:

  • Spiralizer. These are all the rage now, and for damn good reason. Pasta? Schmasta. Give me zoodles any day and keep your slimy wheat strings. And give them to me FAST.
  • Green bags. Keep your fresh veggies fresh longer. Because who wants to go grocery shopping every other day? (YES, these really work. Just ask the week-old cabbage in my fridge RIGHT NOW.) Yeah, they cost more than Ziploc, but you can wash them and reuse them. I turn them inside out and wear them like gloves, then wash my hands. Okay, okay. Sometimes, I just stick another vegetable in one without washing it at all. (It’s all going the same place!)
  • A deep freezer. (Not linking you to one, because I imagine you’re familiar.) I bought a small one with dreams of going in on a butchered grass-fed cow from a local farmer. That hasn’t happened yet, but I HAVE managed to fill it up with leftovers, bone broth, old chicken bones to make MORE bone broth, and meat that was on sale. So, yay? (I WILL get my cow someday.)
  • A food processor. (I have this el cheapo one and it’s still my favorite ever.) This is seriously a must-have. There are just too many foods that are completely delicious when pulverized WAY finer than a knife can get. Like the recipe I’m going to give you at the end of this post, for instance.
  • Slow cookers are good, too. I don’t think I have to explain this one.
  • Parchment paper. I generally don’t use cooking spray due to soy and other additives, so it’s up to parchment paper to save my cookie sheets!

So what’s something good to eat? It’s hard to pick, because paleo food is GOOD, but here’s a recipe I recently fell in love with. I can’t take credit for it, as I found this recipe from The Fitchen and basically paleo-ized it. (I may have also swapped some ingredients – like sesame seeds for chia seeds – solely just to match what I had in my cabinet.) I’m calling my version Paleo Ramen Noodles, because that’s exactly what it smells like while it’s cooking! Ahhh… takes you me right back to my college dorm room, minus the “freshman fifteen”.  And I honestly think it TASTES a little like Oriental-style Ramen, too. But this is MUCH better for you! Even if you make the non-paleoized original version!

Paleo Ramen Noodles

  • Half a head of green cabbage
  • 2 or 3 carrots
  • Half a bag of broccoli slaw*
  • ¼ cup coconut aminos
  • ¼ cup coconut oil, melted
  • 2 tablespoons chia seeds**
  • 2 teaspoons ginger powder
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 1 teaspoon black pepper

Preheat your oven to 400.

Pulverize your cabbage and carrots in your food processor. Not all at once…unless your food processor is much bigger than mine.

Mix the shredded cabbage and carrots in a big bowl with the broccoli slaw.

Melt your coconut oil in a small bowl. Whisk in the coconut aminos, chia seeds, ginger, salt, and pepper. Pour this stuff in there with the cabbage-carrot-slaw stuff. Toss it so it’s all nice and coated.

Spread it all out on a baking sheet. (Don’t forget to throw down a piece of parchment paper first!) Just try to get it in an even layer. Stick it in your 400-degree oven and find some way to occupy yourself for about 20 minutes.

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Note: My oven is not your oven. You should probably start checking at around the 10-minute mark. The stuff is done whenever a little bit of the cabbage starts to look a bit burnt. What? I never said I was a chef.  I’m sure it’s good grilled too, as the original creator intended. I’ll have to try it someday. I’m not a big griller, though.

*You may notice the original recipe uses all cabbage and no broccoli slaw. It’s great that way too! I experimented with the broccoli slaw once and thought it turned out nice, though. So here it is in the recipe.

** Sesame seeds would probably be better than chia seeds here. I just didn’t want to go buy any. I like it just fine with my chia seeds, though. And they’re supposedly a superfood!

This stuff’s good with just about anything. The other night for dinner, I crumbled up a leftover hamburger patty into a bowl of this stuff and sprinkled some more coconut aminos on it. Yum!

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21DSD, Dairy Free, Egg Free, Gluten Free, Grain Free, Kitchen Bitch, Paleo, Recipes

Spicy Chicken Stuffed Sweet Potatoes & Creamy Sriracha Sauce

I was HANGRY yesterday afternoon due to having been on the phone with the fucking IRS 

Thank you, Squints. If you haven’t seen this movie, I just feel bad for you, son. So back to my hangry afternoon… The IRS apparently just likes to fuck with me and make me sit on hold for 8 hours only for them to hang up on me, so then I have to go through all their stupid prompts to sit on hold for another 8 hours. Needless to say, I’ve been on hold with the IRS the past week. I randomly got through at 2:14 p.m. yesterday afternoon, and celebrated by actually eating before dinner for once with these stuffed sweet potatoes.

Now, I know what you’re thinking… “Kitchen Bitch, really? Chicken and sweet potatoes?” But hear me out – sweet potatoes are amazing with spicy stuff. Even my naysaying “I hate all vegetables” husband scarfed down one of these and ate another one for lunch the next day, asking me when I was going to make them again. Trust in the process. I know what I’m talking about. So try these out if you’re looking for a delicious, mother fucking easy weeknight (or afternoon) meal.

Spicy Chicken Stuffed Sweet Potatoes

Ingredients:

  • 1 can rotel with green chiles ( This does have calcium chloride in it, but I was in a hurry. If you want to make your own rotel, there are plenty of recipes out there. Here’s one from The Kitchn.)
  • 4 medium to large sweet potatoes
  • 2 chicken breasts
  • 2 tablespoons fat of your choice (I used bacon fat)
  • 1 tablespoon fat of your choice
  • 1 onion, finely chopped
  • 1 green bell pepper, finely chopped
  • 1/4 cup green onions, finely chopped
  • 2 garlic cloves, minced
  • 1 tsp. coconut aminos (or liquid aminos or soy sauce or worcestershire sauce)
  • 1.5 tablespoons Flavor God Everything Spicy seasoning
    • OR:
      • 1 tsp cumin
      • 1 tsp chili powder
      • 1 tsp cayenne
      • 1 tsp garlic powder
      • 1/2 tsp paprika
      • 1/4 tsp black pepper
      • 1/4 tsp salt

Directions:

  1. Preheat oven to 350.
  2. In cast iron or oven safe pan, melt down 2 tbsp. fat of choice and saute vegetables (minus green onion) with seasonings until the onions are translucent over medium high heat.
  3. Remove vegetables, turn down heat to medium, add chicken breasts. Brown on each side, then remove from pan.
  4. In pan, melt down remaining tbsp. of fat of choice and place 4 sweet potatoes in bottom of pan. Place chicken breasts on top of sweet potatoes and place in the oven, covered. Cook for 45-60 minutes or until sweet potatoes are soft through.
  5. Remove pan from oven, then remove chicken to a medium bowl. Replace cover on pan over sweet potatoes.
  6. Using two forks, shred chicken, then pour in can of rotel, sauteed vegetables, and green onions. Mix well.
  7. Serve as is over sweet potatoes, or top with cheese, sour cream, creamy sriracha sauce, or all three.

This recipe should serve 4.

Creamy Sriracha Sauce

Ingredients:

  • 3 tablespoons mayonnaise
  • 1 tablespoon sriracha
  • 1 tsp Flavor God Garlic Lover’s seasoning OR 1 tsp garlic salt

Directions:

  1. Mix all ingredients well
  2. Spoon over stuffed sweet potatoes

I chose to sqwunch all the ingredients for the Creamy Sriracha Sauce inside a ziploc bag, then snip a corner off to squeeze it over my stuffed sweet potato. Chuck chose to top his stuffed sweet potatoes with a metric fuck ton of sharp cheddar cheese and sour cream. Either way is good, but the sauce adds a creaminess factor that compliments the smooth texture of the baked sweet potatoes. This recipe could easily be adapted to be vegetarian or vegan by taking out the chicken (duh), adding more veggies like zucchini, and adding a good protein like black beans.

2015-03-25 14.45.27-1

Enjoy!

xoxo,

Kitchen Bitch

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21DSD, Fish, Gluten Free, Kitchen Bitch, Recipes, Soups

Bouillabaisse

I had the most killer Bouillabaisse from Thunder Bay Grille last night (Friday) and I couldn’t stop thinking about it all day, so I ended up making my own this morning for lunch. This is a super simple stew you can make for your family that’s filled with veggies and creatures of the deep. You can pretend you’re Ariel and shit, eating your fishy friends. Too much? Oops.

Bouillabaisse is also known as Fisherman’s Stew and is traditionally made with Herbes de Provence, at least three different kinds of fish, and is served with crunchy bread and a mayonnaise type spread called rouille. Hi. Have you met me? This is not fucking happening. You want gourmand shit? Go see the Kitchen Witch. From what I’ve heard, she makes a killer Boeuf Bourguignon. From me? You’ll probably get something I threw together and was really fucking tasty, so I’m sharing it. Which is what happened here. You’re welcome.

Bouillabaisse de Jaws

(Try to get that theme song out of your head now. I dare you.)

Ingredients:

  • 1 can diced tomatoes
  • 2 cod fillets
  • 1 lb. large shrimp
  • 6 scallops
  • 1 onion, roughly chopped
  • 1 green bell pepper, roughly chopped
  • 4 stalks celery, thinly sliced
  • 1 zucchini, diced with skin intact
  • 2 garlic cloves, minced
  • 2 tsp. Herbes de Provence
  • 1/2 tsp. cayenne (optional, but I like my Bouillabaisse a little spicy)
  • Salt & Pepper to taste
  • 3 cups fish broth
  • 1 tbsp. fat of choice (I used bacon grease)
  • 2 tbsp. fat of choice

Directions:

  1. In pot, melt down 1 tbsp. of fat of choice and saute vegetables, garlic, cayenne, and Herbes de Provence until the onions are translucent over medium high heat. Turn down to medium-low, add can of diced tomatoes and fish broth. Let simmer while you’re working on other shit.
  2. In pan, melt down remaining 2 tbsp. of fat of choice and add shrimp and scallops. Pan fry until done, then throw in pot with veggies and broth. Cut cod fillets into chunks and pan fry until slightly browned on the outside. Throw that junk in the pot, too.
  3. Simmer everything together for about five minutes, salt and pepper to taste, then serve.

This recipe should serve 3-4 normal portions or 2 very hungry people.

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‘Scuse me while I go lick the last drops of this out of my bowl. Don’t mind the drooling.

xoxo,

Kitchen Bitch

ETA: this recipe has been shared as a part of a real food roundup here

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